HELEN
Did you check the onions?
HANNAH
Yeah. There are tons. How many potatoes should I get?
HELEN
Get russets, you know the brown ones. Get big ones. Figure one per person and two for dad. Did you write down sour cream?
HANNAH
Got it.
HELEN
I'm sure the yeast has expired so get some of the quick rise. And Nutella if you want it. I have a lot of jam already. Did you take the chicken out of the freezer?
HANNAH
Yup. And your prescriptions are all ready to pick up?
HELEN
They're done. And I called in Emmy's so you can get those too. Put everything on the Visa card, the travel miles one. Oh, and don't forget the apples. 3 pounds of green and 3 pounds of red.
HANNAH
Shouldn't we just get applesauce in a jar?
HELEN
No, it's super easy to make from scratch and it's way better. I can walk you through it.
HANNAH
Last time you walked me through something you got so insane with my ineptitude that you ended up taking over. You shoved me. And now you've got to stay on that friggin' couch if we have to strap you down.
HELEN
You should learn to make applesauce. I don't think it's too much of a challenge.
HANNAH
Well, as long as you promise to remain couched there. Call me if you think of anything else while I'm out.
HANNAH EXITS AND HELEN PICKS UP HER TABLET. IAN ENTERS.
IAN
Do you want me to go pick up your prescriptions now?
HELEN
I sent Bananee. She's getting the stuff for Hanukkah too.
IAN
Hanukkah? You just got out of the hospital. There's no way you're making a big Hanukkah dinner.
HELEN
The girls are going to do it.
IAN
Well, that's just about as likely to send you back to the hospital as doing it yourself. I'm going to take Fido for a walk.
FIDO LEAPS OFF THE COUCH AND PRANCES AS IAN STRUGGLES TO GET HER LEASH ATTACHED.
IAN
We won't be gone long and Emmy's here if you need anything. It's only two so you'd have to wake her up.
IAN AND FIDO EXIT. HELEN TURNS ON HER TABLET. EMMY ENTERS, IN PAJAMAS.
HELEN
Good morning...ahem...afternoon. Gosh, if you were back in New York it would be good evening.
EMMA
I didn't just wake up. I was cleaning up and getting rid of some old crap in my room. I found a bunch of pictures back from nursery school. I scanned some of 'em for you and e-mailed. Look.
HELEN LOGS ONTO E-MAIL AND EMMA STANDS OVER HER.
HELEN
Oh God. I'd forgotten about these. Look how cute you are. Isn't that Ida Feinman? She was kinda of a bully as I recall. Whatever happened to her?
EMMA
She graduated early and just got accepted to Columbia law. She's still a bitch.
HELEN
Then a fine attorney in the making...Oh, look, there's Bananee with her black eye. Remember that?
EMMA
Yeah, Yeah. Yeah. You'll never let me forget it. I walloped her with my Tickle Me Elmo. I was three!
HELEN
Oh, this is my favorite. The nursery school talent show. The two of you holding hands in your little bird costumes. And you sang that R. Kelly song. The cutest.
EMMA CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN AND POURS HERSELF SOME COFFEE. HELEN CONTINUES TO BROWSE ON HER TABLET.
HELEN
Oh my God! This is unbelievable. Unfucking believable!
EMMA
What?
HELEN
Debbie Reynolds died!
EMMA
Is that Carrie Fisher's mom?
HELEN
No. Carrie Fisher is the daughter of Debbie Reynolds.
EMMA
Whatever. Weird that it's the day after though. But you're supposed to be resting and not getting all agitated and dramatic and obsessing on death. Maybe you should turn that thing off and try to sleep. I'm gonna go take a shower real fast and then I'll check on you again.
IAN AND FIDO RETURN.
HELEN
That was quick.
IAN
The shih tzu two doors down barked at her and she freaked out.
AFTER IAN REMOVES HER LEASH FIDO JUMPS ONTO THE COUCH WITH HELEN.
HELEN
Debbie Reynolds died.
IAN
Oh.
HELEN
That's it? Oh? She died less than 24 hours after daughter and all you can say is "oh?"
IAN
People die.
HELEN
But Carrie is only a month older than I am.
IAN
A lot of people were born in 1956 and most of them are still alive. I'm sure Carrie Fisher's lifestyle took a toll on her...at least you....well....at least since you came down with pneumonia you stopped smoking...You want to be cremated right?
HELEN
Your life would be so over. You might as well build a pyre and throw yourself on it. I usually don't wish for time to pass but I can't wait for 2016 to be over. The worst year ever.
IAN
What about 1392 with the Black Plague? Or in 1919 there was the Spanish Flu. Or maybe 1943 when the Nazis reached peak efficiency?
HELEN
Or maybe 1991 when I married a man who has all the compassion of a gerbil.
IAN
Butch, that little gerbil Emmy had used to look sad sometimes. I suspect he had deep feelings. As do I. I just don't get caught up with the bombardment of news on social media or the need to take every god damn happening in the universe personally. You're supposed to be sleeping anyway. Let's put the tablet away.
IAN PICKS UP TABLET AND EXITS
CUT TO-
HELEN AND FIDO SLEEP IN THE COUCH WHILE EMMA AND HANNAH UNLOAD THE GROCERIES. HANNAH REMOVES BOTTLES OF PILLS FROM A BAG.
HANNAH
Ok, these two are for Mommy. And here are all the psychotropics for the little psycho.
EMMA GRABS THE PILLS
EMMA
Aren't you bored with that yet?
HANNAH
Did you know that insurance doesn't cover half the crap you take? It's like $300 a month for your drugs. No wonder Pop's car has over 200,000 miles on it.
EMMA
Fuck you dude. If my illness was physical, like cancer, you won't dare say that.
HANNAH
If your illness were something real like cancer I assume you wouldn't be conning mom into buying you $120 dresses from Anthropologie!
EMMA
She told you about that?
HANNAH
Fuck no. I found the receipt in a shopping bag. It was size 6 so, unless it was in dog sizes, it for sure wasn't for mom. Your Sylvia Plath Jr. routine ate up my college fund. And yours. Do you know how much money they had to borrow for us? The least you could do would be to stop mooching.
EMMA
So says the full time employed college graduate whose Mommy still pays for her cell phone and car insurance...
HANNAH
Because she owes $30,000 in student loans because her batshit sister was in and out of the nuthouse.
HELEN STARTS TO STIR ON THE COUCH.
HELEN
Oh Bananee's back. You guys should start peeling and coring the apples and getting the chicken ready.
CUT TO-
THE FAMILY SITS AROUND THE LIVING ROOM EATING LATKES.
HELEN
These turned out great. Maybe I'll retire from latke duty.
EMMA
And just bark orders from the couch. We'll get you a megaphone for next year.
HANNAH
We gotta light the menorah!
HANNAH LIGHTS FIVE CANDLES.
FAMILY TOGETHER SAYS HANUKKAH BLESSING.
EMMA
We have a present for you guys. We'll be right back.
CUT TO
HELEN AND IAN SIT ON COUCH EATING LATKES. THE GIRLS ENTER HOLDING HANDS AND WEARING BIRD COSTUMES. THEY BEGIN TO SING.
HANNAH AND EMMA
"I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. I think about it every night and day. Spread my wings and fly away. I believe I can soar. See me running through that open door. I believe I can fly..."
CUT TO HELEN AND IAN ON THE SOFA WEEPING.
HELEN
That was so beautiful. Just like when you were little. The best present...
HANNAH
Donut time! C'mon sis, let's fry.
HANNAH AND EMMA WALK OUT HAND AND HAND
HELEN
Good to see them getting along. They sure can't sing though.
IAN
Terrible singers.
HELEN NOTICES IAN'S PLATE WITH A LATKE REMAINING. SHE POINTS TO IT.
HELEN
You going to eat that?
IAN HANDS HER THE PLATE AND SHE EATS.
FADE OUT
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