INEZ DRIVES AND HELEN IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. THEY ARE STUCK IN TRAFFIC IN FRONT OF THE IVANHOE SCHOOL.
NPR FROM CAR RADIO
...reactions to the election surprise...
INEZ QUICKLY CHANGES THE STATION
THE OTHER NPR STATION FROM CAR RADIO
...protests at Trump properties...
INEZ
No news again. Ever.
INEZ CHANGES THE STATION. THE FLEETWOOD MAC SONG "LANDSLIDE" PLAYS.
HELEN
Not even Anderson.
INEZ
Not even Rachel. I'm downloading poetry podcasts.
HELEN
I bought one of those adult coloring books.
HELEN AND INEZ (SINGING WITH THE RADIO)
...I've been going through changes because I built my life around you...
A CAR HONKS
INEZ
Oh for fuck sake's asshole! If I could move I would fucking move!
HELEN
Why is it so bloody hot. It's November. Creepy hot.
INEZ
End times.
HELEN AND INEZ (SINGING WITH THE RADIO)
..time makes you bolder. Children get older and I'm getting older too...
HELEN'S PHONE RINGS.
HELEN
It's Hannah! Hi baby! I'm in the car. Inez is driving. I'll put you on speaker.
HANNAH
I'm only going to talk to you if you promise not to cry. I'm at work. I have to keep it together.
HELEN
We're going to Salazar.
HANNAH
That overpriced hipster taco place in Frogtown?
HELEN
Cocktails! Fifty different kinds of tequila! And Nezy's paying.
INEZ
I am?
HELEN
Nezy's rich now. She sold a tune for a Subaru commercial! Here. I'm going to switch to Facetime. Say "hi" to Nezy.
HELEN HOLDS THE PHONE UP.
HANNAH
Hi Nezy. Don't start crying.
INEZ
Hi Nanny Girl. I'm all cried out.
HELEN (HOLDING THE PHONE AT INEZ' ARMS)
Look at Nezy's arms. Have you ever seen such beautiful arms. And she's a year older than I am.
INEZ
Six months.
HELEN
Look at my arms!
HELEN HOLDS THE PHONE TO HER UPPER ARM AND JIGGLES THE LOOSE FLESH.
HELEN
Mermans! But Nezy's arms are just like...
INEZ AND HANNAH IN UNISON
Do not say it!
HANNAH
How high are you Mom?
HELEN
I had about half of a blackberry Kiva Bar. Dark chocolate.
HANNAH
Holy shit Momsy. Those are really strong.
INEZ
And I had the other half. Dee-licious!
HANNAH
And you're driving? You guys are Cheech and Chong.
INEZ
We're engaged in a debauch appropriate to our shock and grief but we aren't morons. I picked up your mom and she gave me the Kiva. We're driving to my house and then we're going to walk to Salazar so the THC won't hit me until we're home. Unless this fucking traffic doesn't ease up.
HELEN
We're meeting Carrie, Elena and Barb at Salazar and then we're all going to UBER home.
HANNAH
So you got your Mexican American, your African American and two lesbians. All you need is a Muslim and a P.O.W. to have all of the soon to be afflicted represented. And then there's you two all stressed out about what hor d'ouevres to serve the book club.
INEZ
You're right Helen. Hanny Nanny can be a real little bitch.
HANNAH
Are you two stoners listening to Fleetwood Mac? Jesus. The world is really going to end.
HELEN
We're off news. No more news.
HANNAH
You won't last a week without Anderson.
INEZ
She bought a coloring book.
HANNAH
Well at least she didn't buy a pack of cigarettes.
HELEN TAPS INEZ ON THE ARM. SHE SHAKES HER HEAD "NO," HOLDS HER FINGER TO HER LIPS AND QUIETLY SAYS "SHHHH."
HELEN
How's the business plan coming Nanny? Did you and Sophie get the LLC done yet?
HELEN (to Inez)
Sophie and Nan are starting a consulting firm to help dispensaries incorporate the recreational business.
HANNAH
Everything's on hold.
HELEN
Why? 64 passed!
HANNAH
Still a federal offense. And if Guiliani is Attorney General anything can happen. I've got thirty grand in student loans and a BA in Semiotics. I thought Hill was gonna help with some loan relief. I would need to put almost all my savings into web design. Too scary now. Why did you let me go to a private college?
HELEN
C'mon Nanny. You got a fabulous education. No matter what, it's worth it. Don't let that asshole make you go all anti-intellectual.
HANNAH
I'm not anti-intellectual Momser. I'm just risk adverse.
HELEN
At twenty-four there's no reason for you to be risk adverse. You know that Pops and I will always help you.
HANNAH
You always say that but I bet you're wearing underwear with holes in it. You buy food at the 99 Cent store.
HELEN
Who sees my underpants? Certainly not your father without his glasses and the strawberries at the 99 Cent Store...
HANNAH AND INEZ (in unison)
are EVEN BETTER than the ones at Whole Foods...
HANNAH
Have you talked to Slutty McSlutstein?
HELEN
Please don't call your sister that. We spoke briefly. I know that they cancelled classes at Skidmarks for two days so everyone could vent and grieve.
HANNAH
Don't get your hopes up but I have a feeling things may be going south with her and Brandon.
HELEN
That would certainly salvage the shittiest week ever a bit. Why do you think so?
HANNAH
You know that Mr. Bullshit is an anarchist. He told Emmy that the election is a good thing because it would expedite the revolution. I don't think she's sold. Maybe the dumb bitch actually has a few brain cells.
HELEN
I really wish that you wouldn't talk about your sister like that.
HANNAH
I know. I know. We have to be close because after you're dead she'll be all that I have.
HELEN (to INEZ)
You're right. She is a little bitch. Gets it from her father.
HELEN
You too had your share of drama and bad boyfriends. What about Marco?
HANNAH
I was like seventeen.
HELEN
Nineteen.
INEZ
And what about the NyQuil?
HANNAH
You told her that? And you're calling ME a bitch?
INEZ
Your mom had two kids in private colleges. She couldn't afford therapy.
HELEN
And don't forget, little sister's SAT scores were much higher than yours Nanny.
INEZ
But she wasn't on mushrooms.
HANNAH
You told her that too? Fuckin' A Moms. Ok you two. My break is over. It's good that you're together and hanging out. I guess. Careful with the booze on top of the Kiva bar.
HELEN (kisses phone)
Bye bye Nanny Goat.
HANNAH (kisses phone)
Bye Momsy and Nezy.
HELEN HOLDS THE PHONE UP FOR INEZ TO KISS. INEZ KISSES THE PHONE AND THE SCREEN HAS TWO BIG LIPSTICK BLOTCHES. HELEN TAKES A TISSUE FROM HER PURSE AND FUSSES CLEANING THE SCREEN. INEZ PULLS THE CAR INTO HER GARAGE.
HELEN
How shitty that Nanny has to put everything on hold. She's got such great business acumen. This consulting thing might really be golden. She has all of that experience from Portland. Maybe we should have sent her to Cal State.
INEZ
Remember when Reagan was elected and we thought it would be the end of the world?
HELEN
Now I'd kill for Reagan. I was so happy that the last awful year was coming to an end. And now it turns out that all of this mishegas is just a prelude. I didn't love Hillary but if the polls hadn't been so certain she'd win I would have flown to Iowa and knocked on doors until my knuckles bled.
INEZ
You know, we can't stay high for four years.
HELEN
Because?
INEZ
I guess I'm going to volunteer with the ACLU or an immigrant support group.
HELEN
Maybe I'll drive girls to Canada for abortions.
INEZ
Maybe Emmy?
HELEN
Now who's the bitch? I hate poutine. Do you hate poutine?
INEZ
Yeah, poutine blows.
HELEN
How much money did you make for that Subaru spot?
INEZ
God you're crass.
HELEN
I already know you hate oral sex. Why is money so much more personal?
INEZ
I don't hate oral sex. I just think it's boring. 80 grand.
HELEN WHISTLES
INEZ
A year for as long as it runs. Dinner and booze on me.
HELEN
Should we get out of the car?
INEZ
We should get out of the car.
BOTH OF THEM GRIP THE DOOR FRAMES AS THEY STRUGGLE TO EXTRICATE THEMSELVES FROM THE PRIUS.
INEZ
God it's still so hot.
HELEN
Should we UBER to Salazar?
INEZ
Good idea. You can spring for the tip.
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