HELEN
Ilsa looks about ready to pop. What's the etiquette on baby gifts for a fourth kid?
INEZ
Gloria already collected while you were in New York. Twenty smackers.
HELEN
Fuck. She stalked me like Dog the Bounty Hunter when der fuhrer was knocked up with the twins. And wasn't that about six months ago?
INEZ
Hans and Fritz are about three now. Still, Gloria should designate the monies collected for a tubal ligation.
ELISE, THE COACH REMOVES SOME LONG RUBBER ROPES FROM A CRATE LABELED "BOOTY BOX."
ELISE
Ok. Ladies, up and at 'em! Find a partner. Time for resistance work.
ELISE
C'mon Nezzy and Hell! Put some oomph into it. Look how hard Gloria and Sarah are working! And where are your t-shirts?
Laundry.
INEZ
Did you give yours to the housekeeper?
I wasn't going to foist off something with the word "booty" and the affected spelling of "work" on it. Out of the Closet.
Rag bag. How was parent's weekend? Were you in Manhattan before?
The place we stay on the Lower East Side doubled the rate so I thought we'd give Brooklyn a try. The hotel looked adorable on Trip Adviser. But what do I know for Brooklyn? I thought it would be a chance to see the Brooklyn Museum. Ever heard of Greenpoint?
Nope.
HELEN
The neighborhood's supposed to be "Industrial Chic." It's about 90% industrial and 10% chic. The hotel was filled with a bunch hapless Europeans. It was over a mile to the nearest subway stop and would have taken us an hour to get to the Brooklyn Museum so that didn't happen. Found some excellent tacos but otherwise, total Timbuktu. We did make it to the Whitney. Ian hadn't been to the new one yet. So we're standing there, waiting for the elevator and Carol Sanders runs up to me. She and Mike were in Manhattan visiting Max before he leaves for the London School of Economics.
La di dah!
Right, so were in this crowded elevator. The slowest elevator in the friggin' world. And you know Carol's never had an inside voice. They're staying at the Carlyle and just saw Hamilton for the second time. She's going on and on about Max and then the older boy, Noah, who's interning for Barbara Boxer. And then it's like everyone in the elevator is waiting expectantly to hear about my kids. What am I going to say? Emmy's a budtender at a dispensary in Oakland and Hannah is still baffled by the intricacies of contraception?
Remember when Max crapped his pants at that nursery school field trip to the zoo? How was parent's weekend?
The ride through the Hudson Valley is so beautiful. It's sad that Hannah's a senior and we won't have any more excuses to hang there. I made Ian stop at Dia Beacon on the way. You know, that gigantic modern art museum.
Oh, god. It's super abstract. Ian must have hated it.
HELEN
I thought he might appreciate some of the big works, you know like Richard Serra, in context. It's such a huge gorgeous space. But Ian's only comment was that it's a good place to walk indoors.
And how was Skidmore?
HELEN
It's weird. We do this every year. We look around at all the other parents and say that they look like grandparents. And then we realize that we look like grandparents too. At least I don't wear tights and mary janes.
And what about the boyfriend?
Oh Brandon. I swore I would give him a second chance. I thought maybe things were just weird for him when he was at the house last summer. I really tried to give the kid a blank slate.
And you still hate him?
HELEN
More than ever. I made a big dinner at our AirB&B for Hannah and her girlfriends. Lovely sweet funny smart girls I've known since she was a freshman. I couldn't wait to see them. Well, of course Brandon had to come along. He was wearing pearl earrings and has a couple new tattoos. He just sat there like a lump. Made no effort to converse. Expressed no appreciation for what was likely one of the best meals he'd ever had in his life. Showed no affection or even deference to Hannah. Didn't help clear the table or wash a dish. Just fucking sucked the life out of the room. I could tell that the other girls can't stand him either. God, I can't wait until they break up. I sure miss George. I was thinking about calling him and sneaking out for coffee but Skidmarks is so dinky I'm sure the word would have gotten out that I was hanging with my daughter's ex-boyfriend. Ian was appalled that I would even consider it.
Ok. Ladies, Time to switch partners! Resistance! Give your partner lots of resistance!
INEZ AND HELEN SWITCH THE ROPE AROUND BUT KEEP IT COMPLETELY SLACK AS THEY STROLL AND CHAT.
HELEN
I can't believe the election is almost over. Still, there's going to be shell shock for eons.
Jim next door, you know the pharmacist at Kaiser, says they're dolling out Lexapro like candy. Wanna come watch the returns with me?
HELEN
Nah, I'm going to have to alter my consciousness big-ly. Like the rest of L.A. I'm sure. I bet the surge pricing for Uber is going to be worse on election night than on New Year's Eve.
ELISE (jogging past Helen and Inez)
God you guys. Pull! Pull! Whaddaya think this is, a tea party?
HELEN
Licorice. The Dutch salty kind. Want some?
INEZ
I'm hungry. Where should we go for breakfast?
I really love Winsome. Despite the twee name. It's so pretty and the food is really good. But since it got that write up in Bon Appetit you can't get a table.
Bright Spot?
Ick.
INEZ
Trois Familia? I think the buzz has worn off a little and it's do-able now.
I still don't get it. I think it's just Ludo Lefevre's French accent. Totally emperor's new clothes.
Don't look now but Gloria's heading your way.
HELEN
Should we just do bagel and coffee at Mayfair?
INEZ
Gelson's. Fine by me.
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