Friday, November 25, 2016

sixtynothing episode #8 Tryptophan


HELEN PULLS UP THE CURB AT BOB HOPE AIRPORT, GETS OUT AND POPS THE TRUNK OPEN.  INEZ HUGS HER, PUTS HER CASE IN THE TRUNK, THEY GET IN THE CAR AND MERGE INTO A LONG LINE OF TRAFFIC.
HELEN
Looks like you survived Indiana.  How's Mama Campbell?


INEZ
Pissed that my flight was so early that I couldn't go to church with her.  And then she insisted on driving me to the airport.  I wanted to take a cab but that was too extravagant for her so she insisted on driving me herself and sighed all the way about missing church...

HELEN
Geesh.  Isn't she like 94?  And still driving?

INEZ
95.  Should've been off the road for ten years.  

HELEN
And they haven't taken her license away?

INEZ
She still friggin' owns most of Connorsville so no one has the balls.  She pretty much drives only to church and the market and DAR meetings so I guess she's not too scary in town but I used up all my Ambien on the way to the Indianapolis airport. The concept of "one way" is a bit elusive.

THEY EXIT THE AIRPORT ONTO A CROWDED STREET

INEZ
I really appreciate this.  Airport pick up is totally BBFL.

HELEN

No, you did an LAX for us so I still owe you another Burbank.  What about the other three generations of Campbells?  Everyone survive Turkey Day?

INEZ
My brothers put a couple of fifths of Jack and some weed on the patio. Mom is so gaga that I don't think she even noticed that we kept going out.

HELEN
And the spray tanned elephant in the room?

INEZ
Could have been worse.  The adults were on good behavior but at one point little Kayla started sobbing at the kids' table. Apparently little Justin had told her that Aunt Inez had voted for Clinton. My sister-in-law diplomatically dragged her out of the room and probably told her some bullshit that of course Aunt Inez would never vote for crooked Hillary.

HELEN
I dunno.  Maybe the subject being taboo might have made it easier.  We kept saying we weren't going to talk about it but then we started talking about it and everyone got pretty morose.  

INEZ

I know you don't eat meat but can we PUHLEESE stop at In-N-Out.  I'm starving.  I'll buy you fries. Even a milkshake if you want one.

HELEN
You had me at fries.

CUT TO INEZ AND HELEN WAIT IN THE LINE AT IN-N-OUT.  

INEZ (TO CASHIER)
I'll have a Double Double, fries animal style and a Coke.

INEZ (TO HELEN)

Wadda ya want?  Fries?  

HELEN (TO CASHIER)
Nah.  I'll have the same as her. 

INEZ (ASTONISHED)
Wow!

HELEN
Look, I've gone completely William Burroughs. We're on the cusp of dystopia.  Or worse. What's one more dead cow?

CUT TO HELEN AND INEZ ARE SITTING AT AN OUTSIDE TABLE GNAWING ON GIANT HAMBURGERS.

INEZ
Maybe I can get into the Guinness book for losing weight at Thanksgiving.  Mama won't take any help in the kitchen and the menu hasn't changed since 1962.  She defrosts the Butterball, stuffs it full of Mrs. Cubbison's stuffin' mix mixed with margarine,and plops the cream of mushroom soup and fried onion thingies on the canned green beans.  Sarah Lee dinner rolls.  Cranberry sauce in the shape of the can on the Melmac plate.  The only change up now that the Piggly Wiggly is gone is that the pies come from Walmart.

HELEN
And served with Cool Whip?

INEZ
Do you have to ask?

HELEN
Ambrosia?  Did you have ambrosia?  I actually sort of like ambrosia.

INEZ
Nope.  Too foreign. But I did almost get laid!

HELEN SNORTS AND TAKES A GIANT SWIG OF COKE TO KEEP FROM CHOKING.

INEZ
Mama has been going on and on about the nice widower man who moved in next door.  He's the superintendent of schools.  His wife was killed in that junior college shooting at Oregon.

HELEN
Jeeze.

INEZ
So Mama had it in her craw that I would fall for Mr. Wonderful and save him from his sorrow and move back home and live next door. And of course join the church.  I lied and told her I was seeing someone.  He's a banker by the way.  That shut her up.  So we put Mama to bed, and bitch that I am, I left the sisters-in-law to clean up and went out to the patio with the brothers.  So there's this cry over the fence, "Is that weed I smell?" and my brothers say "yep, come on over Matt." It's fucking freezing.  I have on a parka with the hood up and a gigantic scarf and I'm stoned out of my mind.  So he comes over and he's kind of cute.  Bald.  I'm not sure if it's prison guard bald or bohemian bald but when I see his Lewis and Clark sweatshirt I know that it's the latter.  He says that he moved away from Oregon right when weed went legal. I guess Mama had gone on about me because he knew that I'm a musician.  So the sister-in-laws and their Hitler Youth drag the brothers out and I'm alone with Matt, shivering on the patio and he tells me to come over to his place cause he wanted to show me something.

HELEN
Etchings?

INEZ
Totally.  No actually, you won't believe it, he had a Catcall album.  The second one. On vinyl!

HELEN
Is that the one that Rolling Stone named worst album of the year?

INEZ
Fuck you bitch.  And it was the third one. And it was worst album of ALL TIME.
So Matt asks me to sign the album.  It was so cute.  And we have a little more of the Jack and finish the joint and then we're making out on the couch.  But then I guess it sort of dawned on us both at the same time that "it's ME doing this thing" and we both kind of mutually decide that based on the recent paucity of below the waist action it would just be too awkward to take it any further. He friended me on Facebook though.


HELEN
Wasn't Nate gonna meet you at Mama Campbell's?  

INEZ
That was the plan but Lufthansa went on strike so he got stuck in Hamburg.  He and the band had Thanksgiving dinner at a Hilton Airport Inn with Sufjan Stevens.  He's coming into L.A. tomorrow morning so I'll do a belated edible Thanksgiving for the two of us.

HELEN
Turkeys are cheaper now.

INEZ
And you're never gonna believe this.  Nate made an offer on a house in Montecito Heights and it's in escrow.

HELEN
Criminy!  He's younger than Hannah and buying a house!  Hannah just bought a new toaster.

INEZ
He got approved for a mortgage!  He finished that score for the Amazon show and now he's starting on a film. You know I was turned down for a refi last year so the kid has better credit than I do.  I had to get some papers from his apartment while he was touring and I discovered that he's sending his dad money.  Like twelve grand over the last year.  

HELEN
Douchebag!  I can't believe he'd take money from the kid.  Doesn't he still owe you like a gazillion dollars in child support?

INEZ
Nah.  Just a trillion.  At first I was spitting blood but then I realize, Arnie isn't going to change.  Nate has a good heart.  His complicated and fraught relationship with his dad is enough and he's certainly not obligated to avenge me.  So, Nate's keeping his dad in a grungy studio apartment and out of his car. The boy had a shitty father.  He's going to suffer with that one way or another for the rest of his life. It's cool for him to revel in being a successful person despite his lost soul father. Paying the asshole's rent is not a betrayal of me.  From Nate's standpoint I imagine sending off those checks is vindicating and comforting.  And me keeping my yap shut about it proves yet again what a superior individual I am. So, how was your dinner?

HELEN
I didn't chop the sun dried tomatoes fine enough for the palmiers and parts of them got charred and the chunky pieces didn't taste that nice.  The tea-smoked deviled eggs were good.  I couple of them got a little rubbery but Fido enjoyed them.  I told the butcher twice to take the bone out of the turkey breast but then when went to put it in the over with the thighs, it had the friggin' bone.  I didn't want to mess with deboning it so I just threw it in.  I was able to carve off enough white meat for the company but a lot of it wasn't done.  I made soup with it. The dressing was good.  I made the bread cubes from a brioche and put in some chestnuts.  I did the green beans in a mustard dill lemon sauce.  They were delicious but no one ate them of course. I hasselbacked the yams and cooked them with maple and chiles.  That's a keeper.  Very pretty.  For some reasons my corn muffins completely crumbled and then I made these pumpkin rolls which were sort dry and not worth the effort.  Bread is always my weak area on Thanksgiving.  But this year the desserts were losers too.  I tried a new pumpkin flan recipe.  I left it in the oven for like two hours but it never set up. Viscous liquid.  Tasted ok but looked ridiculous.  I tried a pecan pie.  You know I don't like pie so have never perfected crust. This crust was sort of hard and the filing was like cement.  Sliced up in jagged little shards.  Pathetic. I tried a pear upside-down cake but the decorative pear topping sunk right into the batter so it was pretty ugly. I'd rate Thanksgiving 2016 just like the rest of the year, about 90% disappointing. Legal weed and Trump.

INEZ
Ok, now that I know the real important deets, how was the people part? 

HELEN

Hannah couldn't get work until ten so she made it in from Oakland about 6:30 Thanksgiving morning and then slept until dinner.  Then I took her to get new tires on her car and she hit the road again to work a night shift on Friday.  She says dispensary business is up around hugely since the election. She's made close to two grand in tips.

INEZ
Tips?  Budtenders get tips?

HELEN
Yeah.  There's always a jar on the counter. Don't you tip?

INEZ
No.  And I don't tip the pharmacist at the Rite Aid either.

HELEN
Steve brought over a new lady friend. Judith. She's a psychologist and has this real affected speaking style.  I thought she might be British or maybe South African but she's from Chicago.  And she's one of those people who interpret every statement you make as a cry for her help.  Like I'm mentioning that the turkey's taking longer than I expected and she encourages me to focus on how all of the other dishes I made turned out right. Hannah was talking about what slobs her roommates are and Judith lets into her about asserting her rights about her space.

INEZ
Steve's going to marry her.

HELEN
Oh.  Absolutely. That's not even the best of it.  She keeps admiring our living room.  And the largeness of it.  And how adequately it holds over twenty people so comfortably. Well it turns out, Judith is leading a post election women's grief support group and our large, comfortable living room would be a perfect venue for it. I was real on the spot, kind of awkwardly hemming and hawing and Ian is looking at me with resting axe murderer face and I high tail it to the kitchen and leave it hanging.  And then, divine providence.


INEZ
They discovered that the Russians really had hacked the election returns and that it's Hill and a Democrat senate?

HELEN

Not that divine.  How many times has Steven been to our house?

INEZ
Does he even leave?  He's the Man Who Came to Dinner.

HELEN
So, Steven doesn't know we have cats!

INEZ
Judith definitely sounds like an allergy type.

HELEN
Bingo!  So she swells up and her eyelids start sealing over and she's bright red.  And then she starts making that puking a hairball sound from the back of her throat and croaking through it, "Steven, I asked you three times and you said that there were definitely no cats!"

INEZ
They've probably eloped to Vegas already. You know, these burgers are actually sort of gross.

HELEN
Totally gross.  Do you want another?

INEZ
I was thinking shake.  Would you share a shake?

HELEN
Ok,  I think now I think that we've crossed the line in the profligacy department.  It's been over two weeks since the election. We're not even going to make it to the inauguration.

INEZ
You're right.  Time to get a grip.  I know, give me a few minutes to unpack when I get home and then we'll do a couple laps around the reservoir and maybe some stairs.

HELEN (singing Gloria Gaynor song)

Oh no! Not I! I will survive.  Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive.

INEZ

You know that you should never sing.

HELEN

Did he put his tongue in your mouth?

INEZ

I knew I shouldn't have told you.  Yes.

CUT TO HELEN AND INEZ DROP THEIR BURGER WRAPPERS IN THE TRASH AND HEAD TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT.  HELEN HOLDS OUT HER HAND.

HELEN
You, know, I think it's going to rain.  That new Casey Affleck film, Manchester By the Sea got a great review in the New Yorker.

INEZ
I'd see that.

HELEN
It's only playing at the Arclight.

INEZ
God, I love their popcorn.  Maybe we can go have a couple drinks somewhere after.

HELEN
The little bar they have there is totally nice. Did he touch your tits?

INEZ
Next time I have a sexual encounter I'll Facetime you.

HELEN (looking at her phone)
The movie's at four.  If you don't dick around too much when you get home we have time.

INEZ
Under the blouse but over the bra.

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