HAG AND INVISIBLE ARE WALKING
AROUND THE SILVER LAKE RESERVOIR WHICH HAS BEEN EMPTIED OF
WATER, LEAVING A HUGE PIT OF DIRT AND A COUPLE OF
BULLDOZERS.
HAG
I don't know why we keep walking
here. It's so pathetic.
INVISIBLE
Supposedly they're going to at least
partially refill it by next year. We could try Griffith Park
again.
HAG
Remember last time it took us almost
an hour to find a parking place and then the friggin' trail was
crowded like Black Friday at the Glendale Galleria.
INVISIBLE
What about the fire trail in Elysian
Park?
HAG
Yeah, maybe we'll get to see that
guy taking a dump again.
A VERY THIN WOMAN PUSHING A DOUBLE
STROLLER WHIZZES PAST HAG AND INVISIBLE, LEAVING A CLOUD
OF DUST. INVISIBLE AND HAG GLOWER.
INVISIBLE
My memory is so shot I don't even
remember if I were always this hateful.
HAG
If my own memory is correct you are
not particularly more hateful now than when I met you twenty
years ago. Although we both had infants and full time jobs so
then at least you had an excuse.
INVISIBLE
Remember when Emma and Sadie flushed
that kid's rock collection down the toilet at the nursery school?
HAG
Oh God. That weren't cheap. What
about the big brouhaha when they found out that whats-her-name, the director of the Jewish Center was actually a Jew for
Jesus?
INVISIBLE
Oy. I was on the board of
everything. Neighborhood council. Synagogue. Pre- school, PTA.
I think I had a meeting every night. I guess when the kids were
tiny I really craved adult company. Now I think I've had enough
company to tide me over forever.
HAG
Ahem...
INVISIBLE
Of course present company excepted.
I meant people I have to wear a bra for.
HAG
Speaking of wearing my bra, Phyllis
and Carl took us to Bestia the other night for Ian's birthday.
INVISIBLE
That's a tough reservation.
HAG
You know Phyllis. She made the
reservation six months ago. She who-will-not-be-avoided.
INVISIBLE
Any good?
HAG
Meh. Fifteen buck cocktails with a
whole bunch of shit I've never heard of and bacon.
INVISIBLE
I think that they make up those
cocktail ingredients like gibberish and if you have to ask what
shit is it just means you're unsophisticated. And bacon is so two
weeks ago...
HAG
I guess bone marrow is the new
bacon. Everyone was slavering over it. Grosses me out.
INVISIBLE
Yeah, I remember when I was a kid my
mom would serve tongue. It never occurred to me that “tongue”
is “tongue” until I saw one at the butcher store and realized
that it's exactly the same thing that's in my mouth. What did you
get?
HAG
Phyllis ordered these pizzas for
starters. It's so loud in there that all you can do is nod and
smile. I'm not sure what was on them. Specks of unidentifiable
stuff. They were OK. Tiny and twenty bucks a crack.
INVISIBLE
Yeah, I heard that it was real loud
in there.
HAG
And if that's not bad enough all
these hipster places blare bad 80s crap like Dire Straits and
Huey Lewis. Unbearable then and sure doesn't merit irony now.
INVISIBLE
What else you eat?
HAG
Roasted branzino. Thirty two
smackers! Branzino is nine bucks a pound at the Mayfair. You
throw on some herbs and olive oil and friggin' roast it.
INVISIBLE
Gelsons.
HAG
Whatever.
INVISIBLE
I presume that Phyllis and Carl
picked up the check at least.
HAG
Yeah, thank God. But I insisted on
covering the tip and the valet parking which cost more than
dinner for four at Adana. Ian nearly blew a gasket. Of course you
can't have a conversation in the restaurant but we got an earful
in the car. Carl's got a new Tesla.
INVISIBLE
The thirty grand one or the seventy?
HAG
The thirty I think.
INVISIBLE TURNS UP HER NOSE AND MAKES
A DISMISSIVE HAND GESTURE.
HAG
Brandon is interning at Cedars.
They bought him a condo in West Hollywood. Esme was accepted to
Boalt and Columbia law schools. Poor thing is apparently terribly
stressed out deciding between coasts...on and on relentlessly about
their kids' achievements and the second home they just bought in
Pacific Grove. I could hear Ian grinding his teeth.
INVISIBLE
Your kids are great. Totally worth
bragging about.
HAG
Oh, yeah. Emmy just go promoted to
assistant manager at the dispensary and Hannah had a epiphany and
decided to get a Depo implant after her second abortion. Real
over-achievers.
INVISIBLE
At least they're both college grads.
HAG
Sure. Liberal arts degrees they'll
be paying off 'til menopause. You keep assuming they're
prodigies and then one day you wake up, and poof! You're hoping
they'll be late bloomers.
INVISIBLE
I want to be a late bloomer.
HAG
I've accepted that I ain't gonna
bloom and I'm totally down with it.
INVISIBLE
Frank McCourt and Laura Ingells
Wilder weren't published until they were in their sixties.
HAG
You're overlooking one significant
difference.
INVISIBLE
Yeah?
HAG
They actually wrote.
INVISIBLE
Did you catch John Oliver? The
thing with the raisins?
HAG
Brilliant. I loves me my Johnny but
sometimes there's too much gratuitous swearing. Fuck this and
fuck that. Sort of lacks imagination. Kind of grating.
INVISIBLE
Where for lunch? Momed?
HAG
God. The service there is
non-existent and every time a train goes by it scares the shit out
of me.
INVISIBLE
Night and Market Song?
HAG CLEARS HER THROAT IN ANNOYANCE
INVISIBLE
Oh year. Forgot your cilantro
issues. Community?
HAG
I never thought I'd find a
restaurant that's too friendly. I hadn't eaten there in six
months and then I went in and they remembered my name and that I
hate sprouts. And I'd used my Starbucks name.
INVISIBLE
What's your Starbucks name?
HAG
Amber. “Hi Amber! Long time no
see! We missed you! Everybody, don't forget, no sprouts for
Amber....”
INVISIBLE
What about Squirl?
` HAG
You want to wait in line an hour and
pay twelve bucks for a piece of burnt toast?
HAG BENDS DOWN TO TIE HER SHOE. THREE
PRE-TEEN BOYS ON BIKES RACE BY AND NEARLY KNOCK HER DOWN.
BOY ONE
Look out old lady!
HAG AND INVISIBLE CONTINUE WALKING IN
SILENCE. A FEW YARDS DOWN THE TRAIL THE PATH IS BLOCKED BY A DOG
WALKER AND HIS GAGGLE. HE IS TALKING TO THE LADY WITH THE DOUBLE
STROLLER. THE KIDS ON BIKES ARE TRAPPED. HAG GRABS THE ARM OF BOY
ONE. THE OTHER TWO KIDS MAKE A PATH THROUGH THE DOGS AND RIDE OFF.
BOY ONE SQUIRMS FOR HAG TO RELEASE HIM BUT SHE GRABS HIS EAR WITH HER
OTHER HAND.
BOY ONE
Lemme go you old bitch!
HAG (TWISTING HIS EAR A BIT)
Sixty is the new thirty!
INVISIBLE (DRYLY)
Forty...
HAG (pointing to a no bikes allowed
sign)
Do you see that sign you little
fucker?
THE BOY DOESN'T RESPOND. HAG TIGHTENS
HER GRIP ON ARM AND EAR.
HAG
Hey, asswipe, what does the sign
say?
BOY ONE (muttering softly)
No bikes.
HAG
I didn't hear you. What does it say,
you little schmuck?
BOY ONE (a bit louder)
No bikes. Lemme go.
HAG (to Invisible)
Take the little prick's picture.
INVISBLE TAKES HER PHONE FROM HER BAG
AND TAKES HER TIME SNAPPING PICTURES FROM SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES.
HAG (to Boy)
I've got facial recognition software
and I fucking know how to use it! I'm going to come to your
house and tell your mother. And you know what dickhead? I'm a
mother too. I have a son. He's 6'4” He don't like anyone
insulting his mom. He's gonna come to your mama's house with me
and beat the crap out of you. What does the fucking sign say
asshole?
BOY (starting to weep)
No bikes.
HAG RELEASES HIM AND HE
RACES OFF.
INVISIBLE
You got FLOTUS arms. I wish pilates
didn't make me barf.
HAG
Do you just want to go to the salad
bar at the Mayfair.
INVISIBLE
Sure. Whatever.
CUT
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