Sixtynothing

SETTING-A BUSTLING SILVER LAKE CAFE. THE MENU IS WRITTEN DECORATIVELY IN CHALK. LOCAL ARTISINAL PRODUCTS, JAMS, MACARONS AND CANDY ARE DISPLAYED ON THE COUNTER.

INVISIBLE AND HAG HUDDLE AT A SMALL TABLE. AT THE NEXT TABLE, A WOMAN BREAST FEEDS AN INFANT WHILE HER PARTNER STRUGGLES TO CONTAIN AN AGITATED JACK RUSSELL TERRIER. ON THE OTHER SIDE, A TATTOOED TWENTY SOMETHING WITH A MAN-BUN CONSPICUOUSLY READS FROM A COLLECTION OF WILLIAM GIBSON ESSAYS. IN THE CORNER TWO WOMEN IN YOGA GEAR CHAT INTIMATELY, IGNORING THEIR RESPECTIVE TODDLERS,WHO SING “DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN?” FROM DISNEY'S FROZEN AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS.

INVISIBLE

Did you see that they're selling those jars of jam for twelve bucks?

They're the size of a friggin' thimble.

HAG

Maybe they're cold brewed or have fennel pollen or emu testicles or something.

INVISIBLE

I started season three of Transparent. Someone who I vaguely respect said it's better than the first two seasons but even if it were, damned by faint praise.

HAG

Does Gabby Hoffman show her bush?

INVISIBLE

Not yet but I'm only through four episodes. I'm sure it's inevitable.

HAG

I do like the rabbi. What's her name?

INVISIBLE

Yeah, it's the one from the Affair, right?

HAG

No...she's in another one of those L.A. hipster shows. It's uh...uh...

INVISIBLE

Happyish?

HAG

Yeah right. But that's the New York one. They're older and on anti-depressants and don't have as much sex.  The one that Gandolfini was supposed to do before he died instead. That British guy did it. What's his name?

INVISIBLE

Ricky Gervais?

HAG

No, he's the one that made those features about driving through France and eating everywhere.

INVISIBLE

Oh yeah, him. But isn't it Italy? Do you think they're ever going to take our order?

THE SERVER SPORTS A GIGANTIC BEARD AND A FRILLY VINTAGE APRON. HE BRINGS A BOWL OF WATER AND A BISCUIT TO THE JACK RUSSELL TERRIER AND THEN GRABS TWO COOKIES FROM THE COUNTER AND PRESENTS THEM TO THE PRE-SCHOOLERS.

HAG (trying to make eye contact with the server)

Ahem...

(to Invisible)

I'm really starving. I just had only a yogurt before pilates.

A SKINNY BLONDE ENTERS.

INVISIBLE (emphatically, under her breath)

Look at me!

HAG

What?

INVISIBLE

It's that woman from preschool who had labor induced on January first 2000 so she could have the first baby of the millennium. What's her name?

HAG

I can't remember her name but I don't think it's her. She was way more plus sized.

INVISIBLE

No, it's her. Don't let her see us! I heard she's doing Crossfit. It's like a fucking cult. I don't want her to come over here and start proselytizing to us.

HAG

Roger. But no matter what I'm not getting up 5 a.m. for an hour of exercise torture followed by four blocks of protein and one block of carbs. Don't make eye contact!

HAG PULLS OUT HER CHAIR TO PREVENT THE SERVER FROM PASSING.

HAG

We're ready to order.

SERVER

Oh, yeah. I'll be right with you guys.

THE SERVER GRABS PLATES FROM THE KITCHEN, SERVES THE NURSING BABY/JACK RUSSELL COUPLE AND STANDS CHATTING WITH THEM.

HAG (using an outside voice)

We're ready to order!

THE SERVER ROLLS HIS EYES AND SAUNTERS OVER TO HAG AND INVISIBLE.

SERVER

Can I start you with some beverages? Everyone says that the loroco iced tea is yummy.

INVISIBLE

We'll order our meals. I want the turkey avocado sandwich on seven grain bread.

HAG

I want the Little Gem Cobb salad with no bacon and the dressing on the side.

SERVER

Great. It'll be right up.

A YOUNG WOMAN ENTERS AND THERE IS A SOFT BUZZ AMONG THE CUSTOMERS AND STAFF. EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT HER AND TRYING TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY'RE NOT LOOKING AT HER.  

HAG

Who is that?

INVISIBLE

Oh. It's her. She's the lead in one of the Silver Lake sex comedies.

HAG

Is she the one in Casual?

INVISIBLE

No. It's another one with an English guy. She's good. Her name is...uh....uh.

HAG

Oh yeah. I know that show. They live in a house that they couldn't possibly afford.

INVISIBLE

They always live in houses that they couldn't afford. Wear clothes they couldn't afford. Eat in restaurants they couldn't afford. Have more sex than is humanly possible.

HAG (whispering)

Aya Cash.

INVISIBLE

I don't think I do. I'm going to use a card.

HAG

No. The actress. Aya Cash.

INVISIBLE

What? I wish those kids would shut the fuck up. I never let my kids fucking sing in a restaurant.

HAG

The actress. Her name is Aya Cash.

INVISIBLE

Who?

HAG (in stage whisper)

AYA CASH!

THE CHILDREN STOP SINGING. EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT GLARES DISAPPROVINGLY AT HAG. AYA CASH SHRUGS AND SMILES SHEEPISHLY.

INVISIBLE

I am so friggin' hungry.

INVISIBLE RISES, WALKS TO COUNTER, PICKS UP AND EXAMINES JAM JAR AND RETURNS TO THE TABLE.

INVISIBLE

Twelve bucks for four ounces of jam made in Eagle Rock by Hildegard. Contains organic fruit. Sugar. Pectin. Period! Twelve bucks!

HAG

And you know they buy the organic fruit that's already rotting so they get it cheap.

THE SERVER LACONICALLY PLACES PLATES OF FOOD IN FRONT OF HAG AND INVISIBLE.

SERVER

Here you guys go. Turkey Avo on gluten free bread and a Little Gem Cobb.

INVISIBLE

I said 7 Grain bread. Not gluten free. Ick.

HAG

And this is drenched in dressing and covered with bacon. I said no bacon and dressing on the side.

THE SERVER ANNOYED, SHRUGS AND THEN REMOVES THE PLATES.

HAG

Shit. Was that so friggin' hard?

INVISIBLE

I am really really hungry.

HAG

I have a box of Altoids.

INVISIBLE LAUGHS AND THEN RECONSIDERS.

INVISIBLE

Gimme.

HAG TAKES THE ALTOIDS OUT OF HER PURSE, HANDS THEM TO INVISIBLE WHO STARTS TO MUNCH ON THEM. THE SERVER AND THE CASHIER STAND AT AYA CASH'S TABLE CHATTING WITH HER.

HAG

Do you just want to go to the salad bar at the Mayfair?

INVISIBLE

It's been Gelson's for about twenty years. Do you still call Trader Joe's “The Hub?”

HAG

Whatever.

CUT TO

HAG AND INVISIBLE ARE PUTTING ITEMS FROM SALAD BAR INTO PLASTIC BOXES.

CUT TO

HAG AND INVISIBLE ARE SITTING AT A TABLE AT GELSON'S. OTHER DINERS ARE OLDER WOMEN AND MARKET EMPLOYEES. THEY PICK AT THEIR SALADS WITH PLASTIC FORKS.

HAG

That Philip Roth thing about the Jewish kid at a waspy college is on Netflix.

INVISIBLE

Oh, I read about that. What's it called? Indiscretion? Insurrection? Indivisible?

HAG

Yeah. Something like that. It's good. That Stacy Lutts is in it. He's terrific.

INVISIBLE

Christ. It's almost three. I've gotta scram or I'll get caught in Ivanhoe traffic. Do you wanna walk on Saturday?

HAG

Yeah. Sure. If it's not too hot. I wish they'd put the water back in the reservoir. It's so damn depressing.

CUT TO SILVER LAKE CAFE.

SERVER AND CASHIER ARE SITTING AT TABLE WITH AYA CASH AND EATING A LITTLE GEM COBB AND TURKEY AVOCADO SANDWICH.

CUT TO HAG STUCK IN TRAFFIC IN FRONT OF THE IVANHOE SCHOOL. SHE TAKES A VAPE PEN FROM THE GLOVE BOX, REMOVES A CARTRIDGE FROM A BAG STAMPED “GREEN HEALTH COLLECTIVE,” INSERTS IT AND TAKES A LONG DRAG. HER PHONE RINGS THROUGH THE CAR SPEAKER, FLASHING “INVISIBLE.”

HAG

What?

INVISIBLE (THROUGH PHONE)

Ok. The rabbi in Transparent is Kathryn Hahn. She was also in Happyish. The British comedian in that is Steve Coogan and the eating in Italy movies were The Trip and The Trip to Italy. The actress in Casual is Michaela Watkins. She was also in Enlightenment which never should have been canceled. The Affair is Ruth Wilson and Maura Tierney. They both have mouths like ducks. The Aya Cash Silver Lake show is “You're the Worst,” and they film a lot at the Brite Spot which is why it's closed so much. The Philip Roth film is Indignation and the actor who's so good is not Stacy Lutts, it's Tracy Letts.

HAG

Holy shit. You must have had a big brain cell resurgence on the way home from the Mayfair.

INVISIBLE

Nah. IMDB. Oh, and Millennium Baby Crossfit is Estelle MacIntyre.

HAG

That was on IMDB?

INVISIBLE

No, I did a bake sale with her at Franklin. She's still on my phone. Bitch brought cookies from Costco.

FADE OUT