HELEN (WITH HER LARGE DOG) AND INEZ ARE WALKING AROUND THE SILVER LAKE RESERVOIR.
INEZ
Shit. My leg is starting to spasm again. I gotta sit down.
HELEN
Can you make it to LaMill?
INEZ
I'd rather lie right down here in the dirt and dog piss than be ignored by some snippy actor female. And then the coffee's like twelve bucks if the bitch does condescend to wait on you.
HELEN
OK. Fido's kind of a wuss but maybe we can get her into the dog park and sit down for a while.
HELEN'S BIG DOG BALKS AT ENTERING THE GATE TO DOG PARK. HELEN YANKS HER LEASH AND INEZ PUSHES THE DOG'S REAR AND QUICKLY CLOSES THE GATE BEFORE THE DOG CAN BOLT. A LHASA APSO IN A SAILOR SUIT HUMPS A DACHSHUND IN AN ARGYLE SWEATER WHILE THEIR OWNERS CHAT. THE DOG OWNERS LOOK UP AS HELEN AND INEZ ATTEMPT TO DRAG THE LARGE MUTT INTO THE PARK.
WOMAN #1
This is the small dog section!
HELEN'S DOG IS SHAKING AND TRYING TO HIDE BETWEEN HELEN'S THIGHS.
HELEN
Small and SHY dogs. I think it's kind of obvious that she qualifies.
WOMAN #2
But it's a pitbull!
HELEN
She is a mixed breed RESCUE dog. A shy mixed breed rescue dog.
INEZ
Sort of racial profiling.
HELEN
God, you defended Fido. And you hate dogs.
HELEN AND INEZ SIT DOWN AT A PICNIC TABLE. FIDO COWERS UNDERNEATH.
INEZ
Stop saying that I don't like dogs. I don't like dogs in baby strollers. I don't like dogs being pushed around in a cart at Trader Joe's. I don't like dogs sniffing my crotch at a restaurant. I guess it's not dogs, just some dog OWNERS.
HELEN
So Fido can stay with you when I go to New York?
INEZ
Fuck no. But I don't hate her. You don't buy her that grain free gluten free frozen food do you?
HELEN
Kirkland Kibble and Milk Bones.
INEZ
And she doesn't have a wardrobe, right?
HELEN
Nope. No clothes. Oh, wait a minute. She does have a sweater for when we go to Tahoe. But it's acrylic and it's ugly.
INEZ
Do you pay someone to walk her? Does she have aromatherapy and massages?
HELEN
Once I bribed Ian with a six pack of beer and sometimes I rub her tummy but generally she's a very proletarian dog.
INEZ
See, I don't mind a dog that knows his place.
HELEN
Her. Fido's a girl. Did you ever get a second opinion from Kaiser about the leg thing?
INEZ
Yeah. The second opinion agreed with the first opinion.
HELEN
But the first doctor had no opinion. He didn't have a clue!
INEZ
And number two agreed that it was just some nebulous "you know you're not as young as you were" kind of thing.
HELEN
Thank god for the dispensary, eh? Do you still go to that fancy one in Eagle Rock.
INEZ
Yeah, they know me there. It's stress free.
HELEN
I still like the one in Boyle Heights better. The Eagle Rock place is too earnest and scientific. Strains. SBD. THC. Metabolic rate. Mega-absorption. Blah. Blah. Blah. I have no patience for it. I like the Chicano clinics. "Yeah, this shit'll get you real baked man." The last time I went though I was walking down Soto and some guy yelled out of a car at me, "Fuck white people!"
INEZ
Geez. You weren't flipping real estate or going to an art opening. You were patronizing a local small business. What a shithead. Have you ever been to a Russian dispensary?
HELEN
Nah. I usually hang with the homies.
INEZ
I went to a Russian one once in East Hollywood. Super sketchy. They did give me a "new patient gift" though. A hash pipe shaped like a Kalashnikav.
HELEN
I went through about half a dozen vape cartridges watching the last debate. I keep thinking that the campaign can't descend any further and then he trotted out Paula Jones and all the others. One of the broads had on a t-shirt and a baseball cap. Sheeze, they fly you in for a national press conference and you can't find something nicer to wear?
INEZ
Well, there's sort of a silver lining. I had a boss once who'd beat off under his desk while I was taking dictation. I needed the job. I kept my mouth shut. I kept my mouth shut about a lot of things in the interest of earning a living.
HELEN
Yeah, glad it's started a conversation. I don't want my girls to have to put up with the same crap that we just thought went with the territory.
INEZ
Even though it looks like Hillary has it cinched now I think I'm going to be real post-partum after the election.
HELEN
I totally get it. I've been glued to CNN for a year waiting for the next outrageous Trumpism I can be all indignant about. I'm a total adrenaline junkie with it. I was super annoyed when all of the coverage shifted to Hurricane Matthew last week.
INEZ
Oh, and remember that train crash in New York. They covered that for a full day too. Bugged the shit out of me. Although I could watch Anderson Cooper go on about anything. He's the most perfect human being on the planet.
HELEN
I'm going to miss the Obamas. Did you see Flea Bag on Amazon?
INEZ
Yeah, I watched a couple of episodes. I thought it was more transgressive than genuinely funny.
HELEN
What about the scene where she masturbates to the Obama speech. I know you laughed at that.
INEZ
Yeah. I did. Think about it though. What if Obama had been accompanied by his five children by three separate wives at the convention? What if there were centerfolds of Michelle getting it on with another girl? What if Obama boasted about grabbing women by the pussies?
HELEN
You know I don't love Hilary but if for nothing other than the humiliation she's endured, culminating by having to stand on the same stage as that orange sub-human, she deserves to be president.
INEZ
You wanna come watch the third debate?
HELEN
Yeah. I think we'll need some edibles. You know it's the same night as Peggy's poetry reading.
INEZ
Yeah, I told her this and she said to DVR the debate so I have to think of some other excuse.
HELEN
You can be sick and I'll have to take care of you.
INEZ
Deal. And what about her GoFundMe for her stupid chapbook?
HELEN
I don't wanna give but everyone else in the book club donated.
INEZ
Yeah. I noticed. And most of them gave 50 bucks. I noticed that there were two anonymous 100 buck donations.
HELEN
I hope she thinks that it's us.
INEZ
You know, I left my bag in your car. It has my water and my pills. I think I'm gonna need them before I can get back in motion.
HELEN
OK. I'll go fetch. Hold her.
HELEN RISES, HANDS FIDO'S LEASH TO INEZ AND TROTS OUT OF THE PARK. CUT TO:
HELEN IS GETTING INEZ'S BAG FROM THE PASSENGER SEAT. A WOMAN WITH WILD GRAY HAIR, PEASANT SKIRT AND GLADIATOR SANDALS PASSES ON THE TRAIL AND CALLS OUT.
PEGGY
Helen! I see you're getting some exercise. Good for you! Make sure you get to my reading early. The parking is kind of messed up.
HELEN
Yeah, sure Peggy. I'm looking forward.
PEGGY
And you know, I'm doing real well with my chapbook GoFundme. Just about everyone in book club has been real generous.
HELEN
Well, I always like to donate anonymously. You know, Inez is stuck in the park. She's real sick. I've got to rush off and bring her meds.
PEGGY
OK. Hope she's better by Wednesday. Poetry trumps politics! See you then.
HELEN
Yeah, bye Peggy. See ya.
HELEN DASHES BACK TO THE DOG PARK. SHE ENTERS. INEZ IS STILL SEATED AT THE PICNIC TABLE. A YAPPING GANG OF LITTLE DOGS SURROUNDS THEM.FIDO SITS IN HER LAP, CLINGING AND TREMBLING.
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