Friday, December 30, 2016

sixtynothing Episode 12 Not the Worst But Pretty Bad

HELEN LIES ON THE COUCH COVERED WITH BLANKETS WITH FIDO ASLEEP AT HER FEET.  HANNAH IS MAKING NOTES ON HER PHONE

HELEN
Did you check the onions?

HANNAH
Yeah.  There are tons.  How many potatoes should I get?

HELEN
Get russets, you know the brown ones.  Get big ones. Figure one per person and two for dad.  Did you write down sour cream?

HANNAH
Got it.

HELEN
I'm sure the yeast has expired so get some of the quick rise.  And Nutella if you want it. I have a lot of jam already.  Did you take the chicken out of the freezer?

HANNAH
Yup.  And your prescriptions are all ready to pick up?

HELEN
They're done.  And I called in Emmy's so you can get those too. Put everything on the Visa card, the travel miles one.  Oh, and don't forget the apples.  3 pounds of green and 3 pounds of red.

HANNAH
Shouldn't we just get applesauce in a jar?

HELEN
No, it's super easy to make from scratch and it's way better.  I can walk you through it.

HANNAH
Last time you walked me through something you got so insane with my ineptitude that you ended up taking over.  You shoved me. And now you've got to stay on that friggin' couch if we have to strap you down.

HELEN
You should learn to make applesauce.  I don't think it's too much of a challenge.

HANNAH
Well, as long as you promise to remain couched there.  Call me if you think of anything else while I'm out.  

HANNAH EXITS AND HELEN PICKS UP HER TABLET. IAN ENTERS.


IAN
Do you want me to go pick up your prescriptions now?

HELEN 
I sent Bananee.  She's getting the stuff for Hanukkah too.

IAN
Hanukkah?  You just got out of the hospital. There's no way you're making a big Hanukkah dinner.

HELEN
The girls are going to do it.

IAN
Well, that's just about as likely to send you back to the hospital as doing it yourself. I'm going to take Fido for a walk.

FIDO LEAPS OFF THE COUCH AND PRANCES AS IAN STRUGGLES TO GET HER LEASH ATTACHED.

IAN
We won't be gone long and Emmy's here if you need anything.  It's only two so you'd have to wake her up.

IAN AND FIDO EXIT.  HELEN TURNS ON HER TABLET.  EMMY ENTERS, IN PAJAMAS.

HELEN
Good morning...ahem...afternoon.  Gosh, if you were back in New York it would be good evening.

EMMA
I didn't just wake up.  I was cleaning up and getting rid of some old crap in my room.  I found a bunch of pictures back from nursery school.  I scanned some of 'em for you and e-mailed.  Look.

HELEN LOGS ONTO E-MAIL AND EMMA STANDS OVER HER.

HELEN
Oh God.  I'd forgotten about these.  Look how cute you are.  Isn't that Ida Feinman?  She was kinda of a bully as I recall.  Whatever happened to her?

EMMA
She graduated early and just got accepted to Columbia law.  She's still a bitch.

HELEN
Then a fine attorney in the making...Oh, look, there's Bananee with her black eye. Remember that?

EMMA
Yeah,  Yeah. Yeah.  You'll never let me forget it.  I walloped her with my Tickle Me Elmo.  I was three!

HELEN
Oh, this is my favorite.  The nursery school talent show.  The two of you holding hands in your little bird costumes.  And you sang that R. Kelly song. The cutest.  

EMMA CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN AND POURS HERSELF SOME COFFEE.  HELEN CONTINUES TO BROWSE ON HER TABLET.

HELEN
Oh my God!  This is unbelievable.  Unfucking believable!

EMMA
What?

HELEN
Debbie Reynolds died!

EMMA
Is that Carrie Fisher's mom?

HELEN
No.  Carrie Fisher is the daughter of Debbie Reynolds.

EMMA
Whatever.  Weird that it's the day after though.  But you're supposed to be resting and not getting all agitated and dramatic and obsessing on death.  Maybe you should turn that thing off and try to sleep. I'm gonna go take a shower real fast and then I'll check on you again.

 IAN AND FIDO RETURN.

HELEN
That was quick.

IAN
The shih tzu two doors down barked at her and she freaked out.

AFTER IAN REMOVES HER LEASH FIDO JUMPS ONTO THE COUCH WITH HELEN.

HELEN
Debbie Reynolds died.

IAN
Oh.

HELEN
That's it?  Oh?  She died less than 24 hours after daughter and all you can say is "oh?"

IAN
People die. 

HELEN
But Carrie is only a month older than I am.

IAN
A lot of people were born in 1956 and most of them are still alive.  I'm sure Carrie Fisher's lifestyle took a toll on her...at least you....well....at least since you came down with pneumonia you stopped smoking...You want to be cremated right?

HELEN
Your life would be so over. You might as well build a pyre and throw yourself on it. I usually don't wish for time to pass but I can't wait for 2016 to be over.  The worst year ever.

IAN
What about 1392 with the Black Plague?  Or in 1919 there was the Spanish Flu.  Or maybe 1943 when the Nazis reached peak efficiency?
HELEN
Or maybe 1991 when I married a man who has all the compassion of a gerbil.

IAN
Butch, that little gerbil Emmy had used to look sad sometimes.  I suspect he had deep feelings.  As do I.  I just don't get caught up with the bombardment of news on social media or the need to take every god damn happening in the universe personally.  You're supposed to be sleeping anyway. Let's put the tablet away.

IAN PICKS UP TABLET AND EXITS
CUT TO-
HELEN AND FIDO SLEEP IN THE COUCH WHILE EMMA AND HANNAH UNLOAD THE GROCERIES.  HANNAH REMOVES BOTTLES OF PILLS FROM A BAG.

HANNAH
Ok, these two are for Mommy.  And here are all the psychotropics for the little psycho.

EMMA GRABS THE PILLS

EMMA
Aren't you bored with that yet?

HANNAH
Did you know that insurance doesn't cover half the crap you take?  It's like $300 a month for your drugs.  No wonder Pop's car has over 200,000 miles on it.

EMMA
Fuck you dude.  If my illness was physical, like cancer, you won't dare say that.


HANNAH
If your illness were something real like cancer I assume you wouldn't be conning mom into buying you $120 dresses from Anthropologie! 

EMMA
She told you about that?

HANNAH
Fuck no.  I found the receipt in a shopping bag.  It was size 6 so, unless it was in dog sizes, it for sure wasn't for mom.  Your Sylvia Plath Jr. routine ate up my college fund.  And yours.  Do you know how much money they had to borrow for us?  The least you could do would be to stop mooching.

EMMA
So says the full time employed college graduate whose Mommy still pays for her cell phone and car insurance...

HANNAH
Because she owes $30,000 in student loans because her batshit sister was in and out of the nuthouse.

HELEN STARTS TO STIR ON THE COUCH.

HELEN
Oh Bananee's back.  You guys should start peeling and coring the apples and getting the chicken ready.

CUT TO-
THE FAMILY SITS AROUND THE LIVING ROOM EATING LATKES.

HELEN
These turned out great.  Maybe I'll retire from latke duty.

EMMA
And just bark orders from the couch. We'll get you a megaphone for next year.

HANNAH
We gotta light the menorah!

HANNAH LIGHTS FIVE CANDLES.

FAMILY TOGETHER SAYS HANUKKAH BLESSING.

EMMA
We have a present for you guys.  We'll be right back.

CUT TO
HELEN AND IAN SIT ON COUCH EATING LATKES. THE GIRLS ENTER HOLDING HANDS AND WEARING BIRD COSTUMES.   THEY BEGIN TO SING.

HANNAH AND EMMA
"I believe I can fly.  I believe I can touch the sky. I think about it every night and day.  Spread my wings and fly away.  I believe I can soar.  See me running through that open door.  I believe I can fly..."

CUT TO HELEN AND IAN ON THE SOFA WEEPING.

HELEN
That was so beautiful.  Just like when you were little.  The best present...

HANNAH
Donut time!  C'mon sis, let's fry.

HANNAH AND EMMA WALK OUT HAND AND HAND 

HELEN
Good to see them getting along.  They sure can't sing though. 

IAN
Terrible singers. 

HELEN NOTICES IAN'S PLATE WITH A LATKE REMAINING.  SHE POINTS TO IT.

HELEN
You going to eat that?

IAN HANDS HER THE PLATE AND SHE EATS.
 FADE OUT

Friday, December 16, 2016

sixtynothing Episode 11 Kingfish













FADE INTO IAN BEHIND THE WHEEL OF THE CAR AND HELEN IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, ENTERING A PARKING STRUCTURE AT LAX.

IAN 
It's going to cost five bucks to park.  We should just wait in the cellphone lot and Em can text us after she grabs her bag.



HELEN
We are not UBER.  We are parents. Parents meet children at the gate.  No daughter of mine is going to wait on the...(she coughs) curb.

IAN PULLS INTO THE PARK STRUCTURE AND TAKES THE TICKET.

IAN
I haven't said a word about your smoking but I notice now that you're coughing and while I know that you're going to do whatever you want to do, I am officially registering concern.

HELEN
I'm down to only a couple of cigs a day and a little vaping.  This is just allergy.  I can tell.  I'll take a hit of Flonase back at the house and it'll be fine.  


CUT TO
IAN EXITS THE PARKING STRUCTURE.  EMMA IS IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR. IAN HANDS THE TICKET TO THE ATTENDANT AND THE SIGN FLASHES "PAY $12.00."  IAN GLARES AT HELEN WHO IS ATTEMPTING TO STIFLE A COUGH.

EMMA
You ok Momser?

HELEN
Allergy.  You hungry Ems?  There's supposed to be an amazing ceviche stand in Inglewood.

EMMA
Yums.  But Daddy won't eat raw fish.

HELEN
I already fed Daddy.

IAN
You already fed yourself too Helen and we have a refrigerator full of food at home.  We'll be there in less than half an hour.

EMMA (whining faux childishly)

But Daddy, I haven't had ceviche in forever.  And I'm so hangry.  Please Daddy!  Emmy wants me some ceviche.  Please!

CUT TO-- HELEN'S CLOSED BATHROOM DOOR.  SFX --COUGHING AND BARFING.  HELEN EXITS, ASHEN AND HOLDING ONTO THE DOOR FRAME.

CUT TO--EMMA'S BATHROOM DOOR.  SFX-BARFING.  EMMA EXITS THE BATHROOM ASHEN AND HOLDING ON TO THE DOOR FRAME.

CUT TO--IAN REMOVING IMODIUM, PEPTO BISMAL, 7UP AND GATORADE FROM A BASKET TO PAY A CASHIER AT THE RITE AID.

CUT TO--IAN READS THE PAPER AT THE KITCHEN TABLE.  HELEN ENTERS, WAN AND COUGHING.

HELEN
I'm feeling much better.  I checked on Em.  She's fast asleep.  I'm sure if we both just get a little rest we'll be fine...

HELEN STARTS TO WEAVE AND STUMBLES INTO THE BATHROOM.  SFX BARFING AND COUGHING.  HELEN EMERGES, GRIPS THE DOOR FRAME.  IAN HELPS HER INTO A CHAIR.

IAN
That's it.  We're going to urgent care.  Non-negotiable.

HELEN
I'll call Inez.  You stay here with Em.

CUT TO--HELEN IN HOSPITAL BED WITH AN IV.  INEZ SITS IN A CHAIR BESIDE THE BED.

INEZ
God, you look like shit.

HELEN
Eater L.A. raved about that ceviche place. I feel so bad that Em is sick on her first day home.

INEZ
I talked to Ian.  She's awake now.  He says she's not puking anymore.  Did you get any diagnosis yet?

HELEN
They did a bunch of tests. All the doctors are prepubescent.  Waiting to hear. I'm sure it's just a little dysentery and a little allergy.  

INEZ LOOKS AT HELEN'S UNTOUCHED LUNCH TRAY.

INEZ
Whatever it is can't be too bad I guess if they want you to eat.

HELEN
If they wanted me to eat they would have brought me something edible.

INEZ
Ceviche?

HELEN
Hardee-har-har.

INEZ LIFTS THE METAL COVER ON THE ENTREE AND GRIMACES.

CUT TO--IAN, EMMA AND FIDO ARE SPRAWLED IN BED WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT HUEY LONG.

EMMA
Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it.

IAN
You want more 7Up?

EMMA
I'm good, thanks.  

IAN
Funny, Mom never gets sick.  I've watched her eat shocking food on five continents.

EMMA
There's no place like home. 

TV Playback--Huey Long stands at radio microphone.  Announcer-"and Huey Long was one of the first politicians to recognize the effectiveness of the relatively new medium of radio."  Huey Long speaking---Ladies and gentlemen, it has been publicly announced that the White House orders of the Roosevelt administration have declared war on HUEY LONG...

EMMA
I just finished reading this great essay about Totalitarian and Authoritarian regimes.

IAN
Juan Linz?

EMMA
Yeah.  So fucking scary.  He says that the litmus test for anti-democratic leaders is not rejecting violence, trying to curtail his rivals' civil liberties and questioning the legitimacy of democratically elected governments. We are so fucked.

IAN
You'd like Eric Voegelin.  I have a good translation somewhere.  One of his premises is that totalitarian movements are spawned by a flawed interpretation of Christianity.  It may be in the garage.  I'll pull it out before you leave.  It gets pretty heavy with Platonic Gnosticism but I think you can muddle through it.  

EMMA
Brandon thinks that social equity is only going to come from some sort of big boom revolution.  Maybe not fighting in the streets but some sort of big Internet hack.

IAN
Like Mr. Robot?

EMMA
Yeah, I guess, but without that creepy guy. Brandon thinks that Trump may be the catalyst to bring us to the brink and maybe over the edge.  I didn't tell Mom because I wasn't in the mood for her, not so subtle indifference, but Brandon just got into grad school at U. Chicago.

IAN
Poly sci?

EMMA
Philosophy.  

IAN
Your mom will be impressed.

EMMA
Oh, I know. She'll just never get over fawning George.  Brandon will just never be as enchanted with her.  

IAN
Yeah, Mom does like feeling special.  But you know she wants the best for you.  Can I give you one tiny bit of advice?

EMMA
Sure.

IAN
Next time he sees Mommy, tell Brandon to ditch the pearl earrings.

CUT TO
HELEN IS IN HER HOSPITAL BED.  TWO SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILDREN IN LAB COATS ENTER THE ROOM.

DR. ORTEGA
Hi, Helen, I'm Dr. Ortega, your attending physician and this is my colleague, Dr. Nguyen, a pulmonologist. We've looked at your labs.  The GI business is just a bit of food poisoning. We're going to keep hydrating you and start you back on a bland diet.

DR. NGUYEN
Nothing scary with the chest x-ray.  You can join the Hillary club.  It's walking pneumonia.  We're going to give you a few breathing treatments and some IV antibiotics and you should be fine to go home tomorrow.  You'll just have to take it easy for a few days.  No one in your household smokes tobacco of course?

HELEN
Of course. 

DR. NGUYEN NOTICES AN UNEATEN COOKIE ON HELEN'S TRAY.

DR. NGUYEN (TO HELEN)
Are you going to eat that?

HELEN
Help yourself.

DR. ORTEGA GRABS FOR THE COOKIE.

DR. NGUYEN (SCREAMING)
She said I could have it!

DR. ORTEGA
I'm attending.  You're just lungs!

THE TWO DOCTORS BEGIN TO TUSSLE.  PUSHING, SHOVING AND SLAPPING.

HELEN
Use your words!  Use your words!

DR. NGUYEN
I saw it first!

HELEN
Okay, here's what we're going to do. Dr. Nguyen is going to cut the cookie in half and then Dr. Ortega is going to choose the half she wants.

CUT TO-
DRS. ORTEGA AND NGUYEN WALKING DOWN HOSPITAL CORRIDOR, EATING COOKIES.  DR. ORTEGA WALKS BEHIND DR. NGUYEN AND STEPS ON THE HEEL OF HIS SHOE.  DR. NGUYEN'S SHOE COMES OFF AND DR. ORTEGA TAKES OFF RUNNING DOWN THE HALL.

FADE OUT







Friday, December 9, 2016

sixtynothing episode 10 Wonton Soup

FADE IN
HELEN IS IN HER KITCHEN SCOOPING FOOD ONTO A CAST IRON PAN.  IAN SITS AT THE KITCHEN TABLE READING.


HELEN
I'm putting this in the oven now.  When the timer rings...


IAN
Take the foil off and give it five more minutes and don't put the cast iron pan in the dishwasher.  I know.  What time is Hannah's flight?

HELEN
7:30.  I'm leaving in five.

IAN
I'm not crazy about you driving at night.

HELEN
I'm going to take San Fernando Road and then I'll have Hannah drive us to the party and home.

IAN
Not that you care what I think, but this airfare is pretty extravagant for a two day visit.  We just saw her at Thanksgiving.

HELEN
As usual my dear, you are 100% right.  I don't care what you think.  She hasn't seen Min for over a year.  Don't wait up.

CUT TO
LIVING ROOM OF SLEEK MODERN HOUSE.  HELEN, SIPPING WINE, IS CRAMMED ON A SOFA WITH OTHER SIXTY-ISH GUESTS.  JIM,  SITS IN A CORBUSIER ARMCHAIR HOLDING FORTH.

JIM
Mark Peel has always been an asshole. And a total hypochondriac.  You know that I represented Nancy Silverton in the divorce.  It's no surprise that she's doing so much better.  He just has that crap place at Grand Central Market. Nancy has a little empire.

HELEN
Nancy Silverton lived down the street when I was growing up in the valley and...

JIM HOLDS UP HIS PALM TO HELEN TO INDICATE THAT SHE'S NOT TO INTERRUPT HIM.  HELEN FINISHES HER WINE.

JIM
She has about five places now.  Partnered up with Mario Batali and Joseph Bastianich.  And she has that line of gelato that's gonna take off bigly...Hey, Helen, you got any weed?  Did Hannah bring you some?

HELEN
Nope.  Hannah can't fly with it.

HELEN LOOKS AT HER EMPTY WINE GLASS AND EXAMINES THE BOTTLES ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND FINDS THEM ALL EMPTY.  SHE LOOKS AROUND AND SEES THAT THERE'S NO PATH TO EXIT FROM THE SOFA.

JIM
We always get VIP treatment when we go to Mozza and last month when we were in New York we went to Babbo and they bent over backwards for us.  Walked right in without a reservation and got one of the best tables...chef made us a pasta that wasn't even on the menu.

HELEN PICKS UP AN ABANDONED HALF FULL WINE GLASS AND CHUGS IT.

CUT TO
HANNAH, DRINKING A BEER, IN ANOTHER CORNER OF THE VAST LIVING ROOM, IS CRAMMED ON A COUCH WITH A BUNCH OF TWENTY SOMETHINGS.  JASON, IN AN EAMES CHAIR, FACES THE GROUP AND HOLDS FORTH.

JASON
The City is so much cooler than San Jose. I have this awesome view of the Bay Bridge. The Google employee shuttle takes over an hour but they have snacks and I get a lot of work done.  Hannah, are you still in East Oakland?

HANNAH
Yup.  Still slummin' it.

JASON
Well, next time you're in the city you gotta come check out my new place.  I tried to get Nate to come by when he was playing at the Fillmore.  I wanted him to get me into the show but asshole didn't even answer my texts.

HANNAH
It was a benefit Jason.

HANNAH FINISHES HER BEER AND LOOKS AROUND.  THERE IS NO PATH TO EXIT THE SOFA.

JASON
Yeah, whatever.  No way I was gonna wait out on the street in line.  I tried to watch  that Amazon show he scored "Whole Life/Half Life" and it's totally soporific.  Dull as dirt...

HANNAH
I thought it was...

JASON HOLDS UP HIS PALM TO HANNAH TO INDICATE THAT SHE'S NOT TO INTERRUPT HIM.  HANNAH EXAMINES THE ABANDONED BEER BOTTLES ON THE TABLE, PICKS ONE UP, SHAKES IT AND CHUGS THE CONTENTS.

JASON
It was such a pretentious piece of crap.  Even Nate's score sucked. Hey, Hannah, got any weed?

HANNAH
Nope.  Can't fly with it.

CUT TO HELEN CRAMPED ON THE OTHER SOFA

JIM
And I think maybe Providence has lost some of their mojo.  We did the tasting meal there last week and the oysters were a little off-ish.

CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HANNAH WHISPERING IN HELEN'S EAR

HANNAH
Min just texted. She's totally fucked up with the time change and has to crash so she isn't going to make it.  I invited her for breakfast tomorrow morning.  Is that ok?

HELEN
Sure.  Fine.

HANNAH
She wants your cinnamon rolls. Can we please leave here? Please?

CUT TO HANNAH DRIVING AND HELEN IN THE PASSENGER SEAT

HELEN
For all Jim's blather about fine dining they sure throw a shitty party.  Trader Joe's cheese and crackers and bowls of unsalted nuts.  They didn't even have cocktail napkins. I'm starved.  Are you starved?

HANNAH
Let's do it!

CUT TO HELEN AND HANNAH APPROACHING THE WON KOK, A BUSTLING CHINATOWN DIVE.  THERE IS A DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH GRADE OF "B" IN THE WINDOW.

HELEN
"B" for Berry good!

HANNAH
Wow, they've come up in the world.

HELEN
But still don't touch the bannister and if need to go you better hold it until we get home.

HELEN AND HANNAH ENTER THE RESTAURANT.  AN ELDERLY CHINESE WOMAN GREETS THEM.

HOSTESS
The girl!  She so big!  Pretty girl!  She married?

HANNAH
Divorced!

HOSTESS
Funny girl.  Ha ha.  Still pretty.

THE HOSTESS SHOWS THEM TO A TABLE.  THE RESTAURANT HUMS WITH BIG HISPANIC FAMILIES, HIPSTERS AND UNIFORMED MARIACHIS RAVAGING GIANT PLATES OF FOOD.

HOSTESS
You want soup?

HANNAH
Oh yes!

HOSTESS
And the dan dan noodle?

HELEN
Extra spicy!

HOSTESS
Beer?  Tsing Tao?

HANNAH
A tall one!

HELEN
Too bad about Min but it'll probably be better for you to see her at the house than at that crap party.

HANNAH
I hated that party.  Jason has turned into his dad.  Brag.  Brag. Brag.  And he had the nerve to rag on Nate.

HELEN
How could anyone rag on Nate?  He's the finest person on the planet.

HANNAH
Jason wanted him to put him on the list for the show that he and Sufjan did at the Fillmore and Nate shined him on.  It was a benefit for MoveOn.org and Jason didn't want to cough up for the ticket.

HELEN
But you had fun with Nate right?

HANNAH
Oh yeah. The show was amazing then I stayed over night in his room at the Clift.  He took me to the Redwood Bar and everything.  And Sufjan is super nice.  He thinks Nate is the reincarnation of John Lennon.

HELEN
I listened to some Sufjan Stevens when Nezy told me that Nate was touring with him.  I get it.  Smart.  But sort of twee for me.

HANNAH
I know.  Mommy likes her rock hard.

HELEN
Just like my men.

HANNAH
You are a disgusting person.  And also you're completely transparent.

THE SERVER BRINGS A GIANT BOWL OF SOUP, A LARGE PLATE OF NOODLES AND BEER.  HELEN LADLES THE SOUP.

HELEN
What are you talking about?

HANNAH
Why am I here?

HELEN
Because your father and I had intercourse.

HANNAH
Oh stop it.  Would you really fly me down just to see Min?  

HELEN
You love Min and you haven't seen her forever.

HANNAH
And?

HELEN
What?

HANNAH
Even Emmy figured it out.  You got freaked out about the fire.

HELEN
Well, it's very upsetting.  It's the shittiest year ever and it doesn't take much to freak me out.  Even though I know you were safe I needed some Bananee in three dimensions.  God it was terrible.  I just can't stop thinking about those kids' mothers.

HANNAH
The people dying in Aleppo have mothers.  The Brazilian soccer team had mothers. 'Cause it's white college types closer to my vicinity are the mothers more aggrieved?

HELEN
You're right.  I know you'll think I'm condescending and maudlin but any tragedy just reminds me how afraid I am.  One that's close to where you live just exacerbates it.  The mother thing, and don't get pissed off when I say that you'll only understand it, if and when you become a mother, carries a intrinsic element of fear just woven in.  It's like a dumb schmuck like me doesn't deserve these two exquisite daughters so I worry. 

HANNAH
I'm getting my tubes tied.  No, really, I sort of get it.  But Oakland is weird now.  It's good to be here.  I never went to the Ghost Ship.  Some of my friends did I think.  I didn't know anyone who died.  It's a big city.  But suddenly everyone is claiming to have lost a best friend.  Why does everyone have to make everything about themselves?  It's like a slap in the face to those who have legitimate reason to grieve. 

HELEN
Attention whores I guess.  Maybe at least this will help make some progress on affordable housing in the Bay Area.

HANNAH
Jason was on my case about why I don't live in the City.

HELEN
What a little ass wipe.  And he's starting to get jowly like his old man.  I'm glad you got to see Nate.  He had a really nice time with Emmy last month too.  I miss having a gay best friend.

HANNAH
Gosh.  It's been almost a year since Uncle Pete died.  2016 was really the worst.  But one maybe not so bad thing, Nate says that Brandon isn't as reprehensible as we all think.  He says he gives Emmy real intellectual stimulation.  He says it's sort of like you and Pop.

HELEN
Your dad doesn't wear pearl earrings.

HANNAH
God, are you ever gonna let that go?  You're so superficial.

HELEN
Did Nate tell you about Nezy in Indiana?

HANNAH
Nope.  What?

HELEN
Well, maybe Nezy didn't tell him so keep your trap shut.  Nezy had a thing with the widower next door and now they're Skyping every day.

HANNAH
Get out!  Good for Inez.  Hope he likes cats.  

CUT TO TABLE WITH EMPTY PLATE.

HANNAH
God I'm full.

HELEN
I'm so full.

CUT TO: HELEN AND HANNAH ENTER THEIR HOUSE.  IAN, IN ROBE AND PAJAMAS, SITS IN A RECLINER READING.  FIDO PRANCES OUT WEARING A COLORFUL CHISTMAS SWEATER.

HELEN
You waited up!

IAN
Not for you.  For Bananee.

CUT TO HANNAH ON HER KNEES HUGGING FIDO

HANNAH
Why do you have her in that?  Poor thing.  She's embarrassed!

HELEN
She was cold.  And she's not a Jewish dog.

IAN RISES AND EMBRACES HANNAH.  FIDO STANDS ON HER HIND LEGS TO MAKE IT A GROUP HUG.

HELEN
There's ice cream!

HANNAH
Peppermint?

HELEN
You betcha!  But I don't have any fudge sauce and there's no whipping cream.

HANNAH
Then you totally suck.

HELEN (to Ian)
You want ice cream?

HELEN AND HANNAH (IN UNISON)
I already brushed my teeth.

CUT TO HELEN, HANNAH AND IAN SIT AT THE TABLE EATING ICE CREAM.  FIDO CIRCLES THE TABLE AND EACH GIVE HER A SPOONFUL.

CUT