I resolve not to eat at restaurants
with the word “veggie” in the name.
I resolve not to risk heatstroke by
exercising when the temperature is above 75°
Fahrenheit.
I
resolve not to risk chilblains by exercising when the temperature is
below 65°
Fahrenheit.
I
resolve not to watch Pitbulls and Parolees (unless Lockup and
American Greed are reruns).
I
resolve not to twerk.
I
resolve not to consume licorice between the hours of 11 p.m. -7 a.m.
I
resolve not to call anyone an asshole (to his or her face).
I
resolve not to wear leggings.
I
resolve not to valet park (unless there is no street parking within
25' of my destination).
I
resolve not to drink kombucha.
I
resolve not to read anything written by Thomas Pychon.
I
resolve not to watch the Real Housewives of anywhere.
I
resolve not to say aloud the words “Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n Frooty”
or the name of any entree on the menu of the Cafe Gratitude.
I
resolve not to set foot in Big Five Sporting Goods.
I
resolve not to even think about pilates.
I
resolve not to use a selfie stick.
I
resolve not to imbibe anything“Skinny Girl.”
I
resolve not to say “no worries.”
I
resolve not to ride a hoverboard
I
resolve not to use emojis (except in correspondence with clients who
like that sort of thing).
I
resolve to remember that when the kids say that the weed that they
steal from me is “dank” that they mean it's good.
I
resolve to clean up after my dog (when anyone is looking).
I
resolve to drink eight glasses of water a day (after it has been
boiled and poured over coffee beans or fermented into beer)
I
resolve not to eat any of the cookies or cakes I bake (except for the
purpose of quality control testing, which perfectionist that I am,
should be extensive)
