Resolutions I Can Keep

I resolve not to eat at restaurants with the word “veggie” in the name.

I resolve not to risk heatstroke by exercising when the temperature is above 75° Fahrenheit.

I resolve not to risk chilblains by exercising when the temperature is below 65° Fahrenheit.

I resolve not to watch Pitbulls and Parolees (unless Lockup and American Greed are reruns).

I resolve not to twerk.

I resolve not to consume licorice between the hours of 11 p.m. -7 a.m.

I resolve not to call anyone an asshole (to his or her face).

I resolve not to wear leggings.

I resolve not to valet park (unless there is no street parking within 25' of my destination).

I resolve not to drink kombucha.

I resolve not to read anything written by Thomas Pychon.

I resolve not to watch the Real Housewives of anywhere.

I resolve not to say aloud the words “Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n Frooty” or the name of any entree on the menu of the Cafe Gratitude.

I resolve not to set foot in Big Five Sporting Goods.

I resolve not to even think about pilates.

I resolve not to use a selfie stick.

I resolve not to imbibe anything“Skinny Girl.”

I resolve not to say “no worries.”

I resolve not to ride a hoverboard

I resolve not to use emojis (except in correspondence with clients who like that sort of thing).

I resolve to remember that when the kids say that the weed that they steal from me is “dank” that they mean it's good.

I resolve to clean up after my dog (when anyone is looking).

I resolve to drink eight glasses of water a day (after it has been boiled and poured over coffee beans or fermented into beer)

I resolve not to eat any of the cookies or cakes I bake (except for the purpose of quality control testing, which perfectionist that I am, should be extensive)