Friday, January 8, 2016

Resolutions I Can Keep

I resolve not to eat at restaurants with the word “veggie” in the name.
I resolve not to risk heatstroke by exercising when the temperature is above 75° Fahrenheit.
I resolve not to risk chilblains by exercising when the temperature is below 65° Fahrenheit.
I resolve not to watch Pitbulls and Parolees (unless Lockup and American Greed are reruns).
I resolve not to twerk.
I resolve not to consume licorice between the hours of 11 p.m. -7 a.m.
I resolve not to call anyone an asshole (to his or her face).
I resolve not to wear leggings.
I resolve not to valet park (unless there is no street parking within 25' of my destination).
I resolve not to drink kombucha.
I resolve not to read anything written by Thomas Pychon.
I resolve not to watch the Real Housewives of anywhere.
I resolve not to say aloud the words “Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n Frooty” or the name of any entree on the menu of the Cafe Gratitude.
I resolve not to set foot in Big Five Sporting Goods.
I resolve not to even think about pilates.
I resolve not to use a selfie stick.
I resolve not to imbibe anything“Skinny Girl.”
I resolve not to say “no worries.”
I resolve not to ride a hoverboard
I resolve not to use emojis (except in correspondence with clients who like that sort of thing).
I resolve to remember that when the kids say that the weed that they steal from me is “dank” that they mean it's good.
I resolve to clean up after my dog (when anyone is looking).
I resolve to drink eight glasses of water a day (after it has been boiled and poured over coffee beans or fermented into beer)
I resolve not to eat any of the cookies or cakes I bake (except for the purpose of quality control testing, which perfectionist that I am, should be extensive)


John L. Murphy / "Fionnchú" said...

Even if I have read all or Pynchon since I met you, and set food in Big 5 before that, I am happy to share the QC testing of "failed" or "misshapen" cookies or baked goods. zzz me

Anonymous said...

Love your resolutions. I will also make a few I know I can keep.
I will stop kicking the dog.
I will stop trying to figure out which celebrity has the most plastic..{that one's going to be hard}
I will go to bed early, as long as bed is defined as falling asleep in my easy chair.
I will only eat crap when my resistance is low.
I will never watch another self congratulatory Awards show..
I will only give advice if asked,just don't chatter on about your troubles and expect a compliment.