sixtynothing Episode 24 Praises and Consolations

FADE IN

HELEN AND INEZ ARE IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE SILVER LAKE 99¢ STORE. A TOW TRUCK IS HITCHING A BIG WHITE CONVERTIBLE.

HELEN

Tourists...

INEZ

For sure.

CUT TO

INEZ AND HELEN, WITH FULL CARTS, WAIT IN A LONG LINE OF DIVERSE CUSTOMERS TO CHECK OUT AT THE 99¢ STORE.

CUT TO

99¢ STORE PARKING LOT.  HELEN AND INEZ ARE LOADING THEIR BAGS INTO THE CAR.  A YOUNG COUPLE, PAINFULLY OUTFITTED TOWARDS "FITTING IN" TO THE SILVER LAKE SCENE STAND, BEFUDDLED.

INEZ

Looking for a white convertible?

MAN (German accent)

Yeah.  It was parked here.

HELEN

This parking is only for the store.  They towed your car.

MAN

What? We were parked there for just a few minutes

INEZ (points to sign)

See, it says you can only park for the store.  You'll need to call the number on the sign.

HELEN

You'll have to take an Uber to the tow yard.  Ask them how much it will be. Probably around three hundred dollars.  And they'll make you pay in cash.

MAN

Oh my God.  I can't believe it!

INEZ

Yeah.  And we elected Trump too.

CUT TO 

INEZ AND HELEN USE PLASTIC FORKS TO EAT SALADS OUT OF PLASTIC BOXES AT A GELSON'S TABLE

HELEN

I could listen to that Michael Flynn line about Hillary on an endless loop.

INEZ (In a stentorian voice)

Immunity means you probably committed a crime.

HELEN

Oh, my panties are getting moist.  Say it again.

INEZ

Immunity...

HELEN"S PHONE RINGS AND SHE ANSWERS

HELEN (ON PHONE)

Hey Bananie.  What?  What?  You're kidding!  Unbelievable.  You do? Why you?  Yeah.  Of course I'll go.  Drive carefully honey.  Call me from the road.  I'll see you tomorrow.

HELEN HANGS UP

INEZ

What's up?

HELEN

Jim Hirshman is dead.

INEZ

Holy shit!  

HELEN

Yeah, car accident on Sepulveda.  Yesterday morning.  Jason flew down from San Francisco last night. He asked Hannah to drive his car to L.A. The service is Sunday.

INEZ

Why'd he ask Hannah, of all people?

HELEN

I don't think any of the Hirshman's have nurtured a lot of genuine friendships.  I guess Hannah is as close as Jason gets.  Although he certainly isn't her favorite person.

INEZ

Yeah, but no matter.  So hard for a kid, even a young adult like Jason, to lose a parent.  And you know, Jim has a daughter, Vicki, by his first wife, I guess she's about thirty.  I know she was pregnant. Must have had the baby already.  So Jim's a grandpa too. 

HELEN

I haven't seen him since that lousy party over the holidays.  God he was an arrogant bastard.  But still, how sad.

INEZ

Because he was younger than we are?

HELEN

Yeah.

CUT TO HELEN AND HANNAH SHOPPING AT ANTHROPOLOGIE

HELEN

I can't believe that you don't have one dress you could have brought.

HANNAH

Nothing funeral-y.

HELEN

You don't have to wear black anymore you know.  Find something in the clearance room or we'll go to the Goodwill.

CUT TO HELEN AND HANNAH STANDING IN LINE AT THE GLENDALE EGGSLUT

HELEN

I don't see why you want to stand in this friggin' line.  You don't even like eggs that much.

HANNAH

I just wanna see what all the fuss is about.

CUT TO HELEN AND HANNAH SIT AT A TABLE PICKING AT EGG SANDWICHES

HELEN

Nine bucks for an egg on a bun.  

HANNAH (sarcastically)

It's organic.

HELEN

Yeah.  Whatever.  Now at least I can check it off the list.  Been there.  Ate that.

HELEN YAWNS EXPANSIVELY

HELEN

It was really sweet of you to drive Jason's car down.  You haven't really been close to him since about third grade.

HANNAH

Yeah. He asked and I felt bad for him.  For all his big talking I don't think he has a lot of friends.

HELEN

Chip off the old block.  And I'm sure Jason's brand new BMW had nothing to do with it.

HANNAH

Not a thing.  But, wow, what a sound system. Sirius radio.  Leather everything.

HELEN

It's still sad you know.  Hard for any kid to lose a parent.  No matter how much damage there is.  Jim was a couple of years younger than I am.

HANNAH

You know Mommy, your death obsession really freaks me out.

HELEN

I'm not obsessed.

HANNAH LIFTS AN EYEBROW

HELEN

I'm sorry it comes off that way Baby.  I guess at sixty I've drunken in so much life, so much world, that it's hard to face that one day I'll no longer be a part of it. And each day that gets closer.

HANNAH

It makes me feel like I'm inadequate, not doing right by you in some way.  Like if I'm not who you want me to be, you're going to punish me and die and won't I feel bad then?

HELEN

Oh shit. No! No! No!  Oh Bananie!  You're perfect.  You're fantastic.  You please me more than you'll ever know. You girls are the best thing I ever did with my life.  It's all my own stuff, this mortality thing.  Nothing to do with you guys. I had no idea you were taking it personally. Now I feel like a monster. 

HANNAH

I didn't mean that really. Chill Mommy.  I know it's hard when people younger than you are die.  I really do get it. And I know you worry about Emmy.  Even though she's a psycho little spazz, who's relegated all of us to a lifetime of poverty, I do love her.  I'll always love her. That's one thing you don't have to worry about. Promise.  

HELEN SQUEEZES HANNAH'S HAND.

CUT TO

HELEN, HANNAH AND INEZ SIT IN THE BACK ROW OF A CROWDED CHAPEL.  A RABBI LEADS THE SERVICE.

RABBI

For our friends who are unfamiliar with Jewish prayer, Jim's son Jason will now recite a translation of the Kaddish, the mourner's prayer.

CUT TO HANNAH, INEZ AND HELEN WHISPERING

INEZ

Are you going back to the house?

HELEN

I don't think so.  We really weren't that close.

HANNAH

They're having deli trays from Brent's.  Plus you have to come because I'm dropping Jason's car.

HELEN

You had me at Brent's.

CUT TO

JASON, IN TEARS, CONTINUES THE TRANSLATION OF THE KADDISH

JASON

...Beyond all the blessings, hymns, praises and consolations that are uttered in the world...

CUT TO HELEN AND INEZ DRIVING

HELEN

I do feel bad for Jason, as stuck up as he is.

INEZ

I screwed Jim.

HELEN

WHAT?

INEZ

Years ago.  When the kids were in nursery school. Liz was out of town. Nate was having a playdate with Jason and they were both asleep when I came to pick him up. Jim had a little hash...

HELEN

Jeeze Louise!

INEZ

To satisfy your prurient interests...Average size dick.  Mediocre fuck. Sucked my tits a lot. Sort of noisy.  Enough?

HELEN
Yup.

CUT TO

HELEN, INEZ AND HANNAH, SQUISHED TOGETHER ON A SOFA, EATING FROM PAPER PLATES.  A YOUNG WOMAN IN AN ARMCHAIR NURSES A BABY.  SHE RISES, PACES WITH THE BABY AND BURPS HER.  HELEN RISES AND APPROACHES.

HELEN

You must be Vicki.  I'm Helen.  We're friends of your dad's.

VICKI

You're Hannah's mom, right?  Jason pointed you out. It was so nice of her to bring his car.

HELEN

We're all so sorry.  What's baby's name?

VICKI

Her name's Jasmine.

HELEN

Oh, how pretty.  She's about six months right?

VICKI

Almost. Six months next week.

HELEN

Would you mind if I hold her for a bit?  I could use a little baby fix.

VICKI PASSES THE BABY TO HELEN.  HELEN HOLDS HER CLOSE, PATS HER AND PACES.  SHE RETURNS WITH BABY SLEEPING IN HER ARMS TO SIT ON COUCH BETWEEN HANNAH AND INEZ WHO LOOK AT THE BABY AFFECTIONATELY.  HELEN POINTS TO THE BABY AND THEN POINTS TO HANNAH AND NODS.

HELEN

But not too soon.  PLEASE!

THEY SIT QUIETLY FOR A MOMENT GAZING AT THE SLEEPING BABY.  ALL BEGIN TO SNIFF.  HELEN LIFTS THE BABY AND SMELLS HER BUTT.

HELEN

Needs a change.  Where's her mother?

FADE OUT