FADE IN
HELEN IS PACKING ITEMS FROM HER KITCHEN INTO A BOX AND TALKING ON THE PHONE. IAN SITS READING WITH MARVIN THE CAT ON HIS LAP.
HELEN
Yes Mandy. I understand that you take care of all the doctor's billings. I don't want to give you a hard time. Really, I just want to have a word with him. I'm not usurping your authority or anything. Really. I just have a couple of questions. Tell him that this crazy woman from California is making you insane and is being relentless to get him to call me. Thanks so much. You're a doll.
HELEN HANGS UP THE PHONE
HELEN
Sanctimonious twat...
IAN
Given our current financial stresses, maybe this trip to Palm Springs isn't the greatest idea.
HELEN
Marion's treating us all to the rental house. And we're cooking all of our meals at the house.
IAN
You mean, YOU'LL be cooking all the meals.
HELEN
Don't mind. I can stay on my diet that way. They're all having massages but I'll make some excuse to get out of it. I won't say we can't afford it, I'll just say I don't want it. Admitting I'm broke seems just as vulgar as bragging about being rich.
IAN
No Irish "poor face" eh?
HELEN
Nope. Don't talk about our bed or our bank account. Though neither get a lot of action. You'll eat well at least. All of your meals are packed in Tupperware and labelled with heating instructions. And don't throw out the vegetables. And if you feed them to Fido she'll just fart all night.
IAN
I'll be a good boy. But I don't get it about this girl's weekend thing. I thought the point of it is to have a break from your respective partners so I don't see why both Barbara and Elena get to go.
HELEN
They're girls.
IAN
But they're a couple.
HELEN
You despise Palm Springs.
IAN
Loathe it. But I don't see why lesbians get preferential treatment. Theoretically.
HELEN
Do you really want to have this conversation?
IAN
Not particularly. But you have to admit that I have a point.
HELEN
Yeah, a pointed head.
INEZ ENTERS
INEZ
Hi Ian. Did she get all your food ready?
IAN
Yes. Vegetables even.
INEZ
Are you almost ready Helen? The traffic is starting to get heavy.
HELEN
Yeah. Got my knives and all the kitchen stuff here. I just have to grab my overnight bag from upstairs.
SFX-HELEN'S PHONE RINGS AND SHE CHECKS THE CALLER
HELEN
I gotta take this.
SHE ANSWERS PHONE
HELEN
Hi Doctor Morris. Thanks for calling back. I really appreciate it. My daughter Emma had surgery at Saratoga last month and I just got your bill. It seems that you're not a preferred provider for United Healthcare....Yes, I understand that. Look, my daughter was sick and scared. They told her the hospital accepted our insurance and she signed away. She didn't realize that they'd bring in an anesthesiologist who isn't on our plan. Yes, I see. I totally understand. Of course we're liable. Well, it seems that there's another anesthesiology practice, I think they're even in the same building as you, that is a preferred provider. But you can't expect a terrified 21 year old who's in agonizing pain to do that kind of research. They told her that she was covered and she believed it. Yes, I totally get it. Look, if you'd been preferred provider United Health would have paid you $1900. Now they're just covering 60% so we're getting billed for $1000 plus the hundred dollar co-payment. Yes, I understand that you don't have a relationship with United Health. Yes, I see. And based on my own experience I totally understand why you want nothing to do with them...Horrible company. I was just hoping we could get a little bit of a break. United is covering $1800. I was thinking maybe we could just let us pay the extra hundred United would have paid plus the co-payment. Sure, I understand. We're just in a little bit of a bind with this surprise bill. Oh, Dr. Morris. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I'll mail a check right away so you won't have credit card fees. And tell Mandy that I'm sorry that I was such a pest. Yes, you have a nice weekend too. Yeah, it's very sunny here. I know you've been snowed in. I sure hope it warms up for you. Thanks again. Bye.
INEZ
Helen is in the wrong business. You should start a service called "Rent a Jew."
HELEN
Oh, stop it. Can you imagine a less educated person navigating health insurance? Probably put two grand on a credit card and then end up paying eight thousand in interest. Or declaring bankruptcy or some shit.
INEZ
Like I said, "Rent a Jew."
HELEN
Like Bernie said, single payer healthcare...
INEZ
Like I said, let the Jews handle everything.
CUT TO
HELEN, INEZ AND MARION PULL UP IN THE DRIVEWAY OF A BEAUTIFULLY MAINTAINED MID-CENTURY HOME. A BRAND NEW MERCEDES IS PARKED IN THE DRIVEWAY.
CUT TO
THE WOMEN ENTER THE HOUSE.
HELEN
Yo hoo!
ELENA COMES FROM ONE OF THE BEDROOMS
INEZ
Gorgeous new wheels!
ELENA (sourly)
Yeah, Barb came home with it today. A surprise impulse buy.
MARION
We're down at the spa for massages at four. Helen, are you sure you don't want to?
HELEN
Yeah. Totally sure. I'm gonna go see that painting I like at the museum. It's free admission day. And then I'll go to Jensen's and pick up a few things for dinner.
INEZ
Oh, I think they have that Margarita Zinfandel I love there. Pick up a half a dozen bottles.
MARION
Oh, And get a white too. Like a Sancerre. Maison Delaporte is good if they have it. You know, they discount on a case. We can take what we don't drink home.
HELEN
Ok. What do you guys feel like eating? I brought some herbs and vegetables but no protein.
ELENA
Steaks?
INEZ
Yeah, let's have steak one night. And you know Helen makes this amazing shrimp with mushrooms and chilies. We can have that tomorrow night. And I brought some very special chocolate truffles so everything will taste super delicious.
MARION
Gosh, I haven't gotten high in decades. But it's legal now so what the hell?
CUT TO
HELEN STANDS AT THE MUSEUM LOOKING A PHOTOREALIST PAINTING OF TWO WOMEN DRINKING COCKTAILS BESIDES A POOL.
CUT TO
HELEN PUSHES A SHOPPING CART. SHE SELECTS MUSHROOMS, WEIGHS THEM AND WINCES AT A SIGN THAT SAYS $8.99 A POUND.
CUT TO
HELEN STANDS AT THE CHECKOUT LINE WATCHING THE PRICES SCAN. STEAK $65
SHRIMP $50, BOTTLES OF WINE AT $32. HELEN RUMMAGES IN HER WALLET TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT CREDIT CARD TO PAY WITH.
CUT TO
INEZ AND MARION SIT ON STOOLS AT THE KITCHEN COUNTER DRINKING WINE. HELEN, IN HER APRON, CHOPS ONIONS.
INEZ
Helen, are you sure you don't want one of these truffles? They're so good.
HELEN
Yeah, I'm sure.
MARION
And you're not drinking?
HELEN
Nope. I'm trying to get back into my decent clothes before Emmy's graduation.
SFX-BARB AND ELENA ARE HEARD ARGUING FROM THEIR BEDROOM
ELENA
I cannot fucking believe you didn't ask me.
BARB
I thought you'd be happy. It's so beautiful. You said you were sick of driving a stereotypical Subaru.
ELENA
Which did not mean buying a fifty thousand dollar automobile without asking me.
BARB
It was my money.
ELENA
We're married now. Remember? It's OUR money. And I don't like fancy cars. I thought you knew that.
BARB
I thought you deserved it. I thought you'd be happy.
CUT TO ALL OF THE WOMEN SEATED AROUND DINING TABLE LADEN WITH DELICIOUS FOOD THAT HELEN'S PREPARED. HELEN NIBBLES ON A SMALL SALAD. BARB AND ELENA GLOWER AT EACH OTHER.
MARION
Gee. I don't feel anything at all from that truffle yet. Nezzy, maybe I should have another.
INEZ
Sometimes they catch up with you but go ahead. You don't have anywhere to go for forty eight hours.
CUT TO
THE FIVE WOMEN STAND AND WATCH A DESERT SUNSET.
CUT TO
THE WOMEN PLAY SCRABLE
CUT TO
THE WOMEN PASS AROUND A GALLON OF ICE CREAM AND A LARGE SPOON. HELEN EATS A PEAR
CUT TO
THE FIVE WOMEN STAND AND WATCH A DESERT SUNSET.
CUT TO
THE WOMEN PLAY SCRABLE
CUT TO
THE WOMEN PASS AROUND A GALLON OF ICE CREAM AND A LARGE SPOON. HELEN EATS A PEAR
CUT TO
INEZ, MARION, AND HELEN SOAK IN THE JACUZZI. INEZ AND MARION ARE NAKED. HELEN WEARS AN OLD LADY BATHING SUIT. MARION IS VERY OBVIOUSLY IN AN ALTERED STATE OF CONSCIOUSNESS. BARB SITS AT ONE END OF THE YARD READING A MAGAZINE AND ELENA AT THE OTHER LOOKING AT HER PHONE.
MARION
Isn't it weird about toilets?
INEZ
What about them Marion?
MARION
Why can't we just pee and crap? Dogs pee and crap. All animals do. It's a natural animal thing. We're animals. Isn't it weird that we have to find a toilet?
HELEN
You shouldn't have let her eat that second truffle.
INEZ
Do you need to pee Marion?
MARION
Maybe I do.
INEZ (to HELEN)
Let's help her.
MARION
So you expect me to use the toilet? I don't see why we can't just pee when we have to pee.
HELEN
Marion, please don't pee in the Jacuzzi.
CUT TO
INEZ IS IN A KING SIZE BED. HELEN'S OPENS HER SUITCASE AND FINDS A FOLDED NOTE, OPENS IT AND READS.
HELEN
Ah. Ian left me a little note. He can be real sweet.
INEZ
What does it say?
HELEN
"I wish I were a lesbian." Don't ask.
SFX PASSIONATE MOANS AND SIGHS FROM THE ROOM NEXT DOOR.
HELEN
Speaking of which...
INEZ
Make up sex.
HELEN STARTS MAKING SMOOCHING NOISES, JUMPS ON INEZ AND PINS HER DOWN.
HELEN (IN A MOCK SIMPERING VOICE)
Oh Nezy Nezy. I love you so. Let's never fight again.
INEZ
Get off of me you perv.
CUT TO
THE NEXT MORNING HELEN AND INEZ EXIT THE BEDROOM BLEARY EYED IN THEIR NIGHTGOWNS. THEY PASS THE PATIO DOOR.
HELEN
Oh shit! Look!
MARION, FAST ASLEEP, LIES NAKED ON THE LAWN.
HELEN
You shouldn't have given her that second truffle.
INEZ
Should we wake her up?
HELEN
Nah. She looks very peaceful. I imagine it will be a while before she gets high again though. Can you imagine what the Enquirer would pay for a picture of that?
CUT TO
HELEN IS IN THE KITCHEN PACKING THINGS UP AND SIPPING FROM A CAN OF SLIMFAST.
CUT TO
INEZ, MARION, BARB AND ELENA ARE SITTING ON THE PATIO EATING THE ELABORATE BREAKFAST THAT HELEN HAS PREPARED
BARB
I really wish Helen would open another restaurant.
INEZ
She'd blow her brains out first. By the way, we've gotta pay her back for the food. I saw the Jensen's receipt. It was almost four hundred dollars plus she brought a lot of stuff from home.
BARB
How much should we give her? If it's too much I'm afraid she'll feel like a paid cook.
INEZ
I wouldn't worry about that.
ELENA
Well, Marion shouldn't have to chip in. She paid for the house.
MARION
No, this is a gift. Of course I'll pay my part for the food and booze. But, Nezzy, do you have any more of those truffles?
CUT TO
IAN, MARVIN AND FIDO LIE ON THE BED WHILE HELEN UNPACKS
IAN
Were you in the kitchen the whole weekend?
HELEN
Not at all. We had fun. Marion ate too many pot truffles and slept the night naked on the grass. Boy, the tabloids would go crazy with that one. Could pay off our mortgage.
IAN
So, other than potentially sabotaging your good friend's career, what did you do?
HELEN
We went for walks. I won three Scrabble games. We Jacuzzied.
HELEN FINDS AN ENVELOPE WITH HER NAME ON IT IN HER SUITCASE. SHE OPENS IT TO FIND A STACK OF BILLS. SHE SMILES, RELIEVED.
IAN
I ate all my vegetables.
HELEN
If Fido starts farting I know you're a liar.
FADE OUT
No comments:
Post a Comment