sixtynothing Episode 16 99¢

FADE IN

HELEN IS PUSHING A CART DOWN THE AISLE AT THE 99¢ STORE.  A DISHEVELED HOMELESS MAN MEANDERS IN FRONT OF HER.  HELEN SCRUNCHES HER FACE AT THE TERRIBLE ODOR AND HOLDS HER BREATH.  THE HOMELESS MAN ROUNDS TO THE NEXT AISLE AND HELEN GASPS AND EXHALES. HELEN TURNS DOWN ANOTHER AISLE AND SMELLS AND HEARS HOMELESS MAN BEHIND HER.  SHE REMOVES A $10 BILL FROM HER WALLET, DROPS IT ON THE FLOOR AND TURNS DOWN THE AISLE.  THE HOMELESS MAN APPROACHES HER, HOLDING OUT THE BILL.

HOMELESS MAN (HOLDING OUT BILL)

Hey lady, you dropped this.

HELEN

No. Not mine.  Finder's keepers, eh?

HOMELESS MAN (TOSSING THE BILL ONTO THE FLOOR)

Lady, I'm batshit crazy but I'm not stupid. Like if you'd handed me the dough and spoken to me. Like, "hey buddy, you look like you could use this..."

HELEN

I'm sorry.  Please.  Just take it.  Please.

HELEN RUSHES TO THE OTHER END OF THE STORE.

CUT TO HELEN AND INEZ ARE WALKING AROUND THE RESERVOIR

INEZ

Aren't we good?

HELEN

Yeah, I've walked every day this week and haven't eaten any   

sugar.

INEZ

Cigs?

HELEN

Work in progress.

INEZ

CNN?

HELEN

Taking the fifth.

INEZ

Gelson's?

HELEN

Let's go to Ohana Poke.  We can walk from here.

INEZ

Poke?  Are you kidding?  You know I only eat fish fried.

HELEN

They share a kitchen with a sandwich place.  Sopressata. You can get a sandwich.  It's good. 

CUT TO

HELEN AND INEZ ARE SEATED AT RESTAURANT TABLE.  HELEN HAS A BOWL OF POKE AND INEZ A SANDWICH.  A DOZEN FIREFIGHTERS ARE DINING AT TABLES AROUND THEM.

INEZ

For God's sake Helen. I see why you wanted to eat here.  I don't know what's with that weird fireman fetish.

HELEN

Brave and handsome. What's not to like? My favorite fantasy is that I look like Beyonce and I'm in Manhattan after 9/11.

INEZ

God you're a perve.

A HIPSTER COUPLE PLACE A BABY IN A HIGH CHAIR AND OBSTRUCT HELEN'S VIEW OF THE FIREMAN.

INEZ

Do you want to switch seats?

HELEN RISES AND INEZ SWITCHES THEIR FOOD AND TAKES HELEN'S SEAT.

HELEN

Speaking of elder sex, how's Matt?

INEZ

Matt is fine. He's coming at the end of March for a week. We're going to Joshua Tree for the weekend.

HELEN

And I'll get to meet him?

INEZ (HESITANTLY)

Maybe.

HELEN

Maybe?

INEZ

I'm afraid you're a little direct for him.

HELEN

I won't say that you don't like giving head. I promise.

INEZ

Maybe if we get you fitted with a muzzle...

HELEN

You know that I can be the model of decorum when it's necessary.

INEZ

Depends on how you define decorum...

HELEN

Does he take Viagra?

INEZ

Shut the fuck up...Cialis.

A HANDSOME FIREMAN DROPS HIS CUP ON THE FLOOR AND BENDS OVER TO PICK IT UP. HELEN IS RIVETED. INEZ SHAKES HER HEAD IN DISGUST

HELEN

So, it's the real deal with Mr. Matthew, eh?

INEZ

I dunno Helen. This long distance thing is weird. He's had it with Indiana. He's ready to retire. We talk every night but we've only met in person twice. I'm totally into him but I can't just have him move to L.A. and move in.

HELEN

Well, maybe you could try it on an experimental basis, with a pre-nup or something. Maybe a "pre-shack."

INEZ

That's all premature. But I'll tell you, if I didn't have that little frisson thing going for him, these times would probably make me open a vein. You seem a little less grim yourself.

HELEN

Yeah. Well I'm still freaked out. But it's sort of forced me to focus on what gives my life meaning.

INEZ

Firemen who are forty years younger than you?

HELEN

For sure. But for real, this whole collective panic thing has brought me a lot closer to the girls. So much of the petty shit has dissipated. And I get the feeling that both of them really like being with me. I know Nate is totally into spending time with you too but I think a lot of parents of twenty somethings can't say that. We're lucky, you know?

INEZ

Yeah, I'm getting into the groove with that quality over quantity thing.

HELEN

I'm going up to Oakland to see Hannie Bananie the second week of March. Wanna ride with?  You can take us to Chez Panisse.

INEZ

Yeah. Probably. But the Cafe at Chez Panisse. Not the restaurant. And you can drive. And you can't play Yo Lo Tengo for six hours straight.

HELEN

I'm also thinking that if Emmy makes some progress on her senior project I'm going to take her to London to see the big Hockney retrospective at the Tate.

INEZ

And what does Ebenezer say about that?

HELEN
Kristen Bell just signed off on my menu for her Oscar party so he won't be able to grouse too much.  And I hardly spend any money. Traveling and spending time with the girls is all that really matters.  Otherwise why bother with it at all?  I tell him a couple of times a day...By the way, they have amazing blackberries at the 99 Cent Store.

INEZ
Yeah, you converted me.  but sometimes I feel a little weird there.  Like a poser or a tourist or something.  Like people look at me and think, "Why the fuck isn't she at Gelson's?"

HELEN

Yeah, I hear you. But those blackberries are way better than Gelson's. I swear.