Friday, June 6, 2014

High Paying Summer Jobs for College Students

Beer-ista

Help clients select brews with a real down home and proletarian feel.  Perfect candidate has good beer tolerance and a slightly ironic post-hipster vibe.

Vinylrama needs clerk.
Must be able to pontificate about obscure experimental bands and audio delivery formats and make interminable playlists. No need to pay attention to customers who are losers. 

Taco Taster
Survey Southern California food trucks and taco tables.  You don’t have to write reviews just give a thumbs up or down.

HBO-GO Monitor    
Watch all the shows, except for Girls, which trivializes your generation.  Memorize plots and help people figure out what episode they’re on in the event that other people in the household are watching the same series.

IMDB Tester
Look up your favorite actors and movies. Compare reviews with Rotten Tomatoes. Count how many of a director’s films you’ve seen. See what movies were released in the year you are born.  Note: This research best completed in conjunction with the use of cannabis.

Spokesmodel
Custom made but not pretentious clothing.  Just wear our duds to cool places like the Lucky Boy and 101 Noodle Express.  Includes generous food and beverage allowance.

Multiplex Ambiance Ambassador  
Become irate at people who text during movies.  Give skink eye to patrons who are waiting in line for films lacking gravitas.
Correctly pronounce Jim Jarmusch and Cannes.

Skateboard Safety Study Subject
Perform skateboard tricks with state of consciousness altered and without pads or helmet.  Excellent coverage for pain medication.

Dodger Historian
From a field level seat .  Name the former teams (including minors and college) of every player in the dugout.  Explain why after three strikes the batter can hit the ball and not have it count as a strike.

Echoplex Quality Control
Bouncer will let you jump long line for cool show and not check your id.  Waiting crowd resentful but pang of being made to feel small enhances the concert going experience.

Sociological Research Assistant
Visit friends’ houses at 3 a.m. Create spreadsheet as to quantity and quality of food and alcoholic beverages available. Whose parents are sound sleepers?  Which have medical marijuana cards?

 Television Technician
Assist in switching from ROKU to DirectTV and the fast forwarding of programs on the DVR but the programs watched are to be selected based on your recommendation and the convenience of your schedule. You will be provided with refreshments, including alcoholic.

College Advisor
Give our students a realistic idea about what college life is really about.  For private girls high school.

Health Department Hygiene Study
For a two month period, remove no garbage from your chamber.  Use half filled beer bottles as ashtrays.  Do not fold or hang any garment.  Instead, sling onto the floor so clothing obscures dirty plates and silverware.

Completely Personal chef
Start cooking one hour before family meal is to be served.  Find and use artisanal products which have been hidden and every pot and pan in the house.  Mix everything together.  You are an experimental chef.  Add bottle of hot sauce.  Tastes yucky, probably due to weird ingredients purchased by mother.  Dogs won't even eat it.  Make packaged macaroni and cheese. Clean up nothing.  Spoil your dinner.  


2 comments:

John L. Murphy / "FionnchĂș" said...

Hey, I know two guys who'd be perfect...let me wake them up.

Barbara Effros said...

sent to my twins with note "what do ya mean there are no kool summer jobs"!