Friday, April 25, 2014

Wherever We're There, it's our House

For the last year, there have been long kid-less stretches but summer is approaching. Our children are concerned that we may psychically unprepared for their homecoming. We have been provided with some guidelines to combat any lax practices that may have devolved.

Summer 2014
Code of Conduct

Refrain from saying:




rap (when referring to music and/or in conjunction with “bum”)





chill (as pertains to mood)

posse (except in western vigilante context)



Not even funny the first time:

When in a bar with son of legal drinking age, “Gosh, it seems like just yesterday that I was breast-feeding you.”

Greeting 3 p.m. risers with “Good morning,” or “Do you want breakfast or dinner?” or any other selections from repertoire of hackneyed remarks pertinent to indolence.

Referring to sons' basement quarters as “dungeon, den of iniquity, salon of squalor or bowels of hell.”

Wrapping a box of condoms with the tiny panties that somehow got into the laundry basket.

General :
It is unnecessary to mention that all of the liquor on the bar was replaced with water/tea. That was years ago. You've had lots of time to restock. What are you waiting for?

Prosthetic teeth are to be worn at all times.

Are you ever going to take that bathtub baby picture off of the refrigerator?

Do you yourself use Kirkland brand shampoo and conditioner? We think that you do not!

Do not post anything about us, including baby pictures, on Facebook. Do not friend request any of our friends or our friends' parents.

Do not mention repeatedly that the basement reeks. (Let she who is free of sin cast the first stone.)

Do not exchange that knowing glance when one of us suggests we plan rising early or applying for a job.

Our visitors from out of town, like us, have no interest in visiting the Arboretum or Huntington Library.

Do not feign temporary amnesia. You have somehow managed to operate the TV remotes and Roku box in our absence.

Your opinions about body piercing and tattoos have been made quite clear so there is no need to remind us.  You wouldn’t kick us out anyway.

No wide-legged jeans and/or pants with cuffs

Mother and father not to exchange clothing (bathrobes, sweatpants, etc.)

Mother must wear bra at all times

No t-shirts from colleges that children were not accepted to

No Crocs, clogs or plaid patterned footwear

Do not claim that there is “plenty of food in the house” when you mean fruits and vegetables.

No store brand ice cream. We know you eat Ciao Bella when we're at school.

Stop with “You'll like it the way I make it.” Chances are we've only had it the way that you make it and we do not like it.

We can tell the difference between whole wheat pasta and brown rice and the good stuff. Ditto, fat free half and half.

Father management:
Discourage baby-talking and particularly singing to pets

Encourage eye contact and multi-syllabic response when meeting guests.

Do not permit the gathering leftovers from guest's plates with hands, and subsequent ripping apart of food, for the dogs. Corollary: Dog bowls are not to be placed on the dining table.

No Gym Class Heroes, Ben Folds (with or without the Five), or Pre Fab Sprout

No Prairie Home Companion, Art Laboe, or Bookworm

No Judge Judy, Honey Boo Boo, Sixteen and Pregnant and/or Teen Mom, Dance Moms or Dancing with the Stars

Prison and Crime shows acceptable, if you must, except Locked Up Abroad or marathons


Rosemary said...

I love this, so hilarious! Must disagree with comments on Judge Judy, Dance Moms though. xx

John L. Murphy / "FionnchĂș" said...

P.S. Add: "dank" as a positive interjection rather than a negative comment on said basement. xxx me