Friday, April 19, 2013

My Temporary Gig

Hey God. Thanks again for the generous financial aid award Spuds got from Bard. And the two pound weight loss is appreciated too. The offer on the building I've been trying to sell is the icing on the cake. Please do watch my tax hit. Lots of personal stuff I'm totally thankful for, but on the whole, I'm thinking maybe you haven't had the greatest week. Look, I've raised two exceptional (not in the euphemistic way) kids and stayed married to an introvert without killing him for over twenty years. I've run a business and even have a valid teaching credential. Maybe God, you'd like to take a leave of absence. I'm not saying you're incompetent or anything but maybe you're a bit burned out. I've got your back.

I get it with the low profile thing, all that less is more stuff. But it's been eons since Moses stood at Sinai. People have been waiting forever, just like season 6 of Mad Men, for a sign from God. I promise I'm going to keep it tasteful but I'm planning to have a little more presence during your mental health break. You did the stone tablet thing. Really classy. A nice nod to the era's medium and all. I'm thinking Twitter.

@TempGod Old God on vaycay. Filling in. Even if u don't believe in me u must chill. Atheism OK. There is no 1 true faith. Tolerance. B BFFLs.

@TempGod Stop w the weapons. I mean it. Find environmental expert to advise re: disposal deets. Pussy rifles for herd thinning & eating OK I guess.

@TempGod Quit it with fancy shit to honor me. I don't give rat's ass about lavish worship places. Lay off spendy kitsch. Do good deeds.

@TempGod Elijah not coming to ur Seder. No need 4 folding chair. Also, no virgins 4 u in heaven.

@TempGod Yo! I mean it re: churches & temples. No ecumenical outreach for good of all=no tax exempt status.

@TempGod Ixnay on national borders. Work to make places peeps want escape from fit 4 live in instead playing Farmville on ur phone @ Starbucks

@TempGod Re: Starbucks, bag grande, venti crap unless u r in Italy. Small, medium, large just fine.

@TempGod No more corporation/union controlled elections. Public funding. W less power & money, who will run? Talk about thinning herd.

@TempGod Make cars less boring. Always solid colors. Oy. Wm. Morris or Marimekko patterns & print upholstery please. Plus cuter shapes.

@TempGod Do not say “It is what it is,” “At the end of the day” or “Bring it” or whine about long dead father even if u r on cooking competition show.

@TempGod Do not tell fat girl she has pretty face. Subtext obvious.

@TempGod Auto turn signals not just decorative.

@TempGod If u rummage through desk to find pen & pen is out of ink do not put back in drawer.

@TempGod If u r actually going to eat McD.’s park car & get off ur ass & go in. Do not idle in the drive-thru line 1/2 hour.

@TempGod Do not manufacture more Rolex til dent made in world hunger. Ditto Birken bags & eradicating preventable disease.

@TempGod OK with tattoos tho u might regret later. But, all ear gauging to cease immediately. Stretched lobes very gross.

@TempGod Literally means “literally” not “really.”

@TempGod Do not telephone if u have just e-mailed. One or other. E-mail preferable.

@TempGod Undergarments means under garments. No need to see bra straps nor waistband boxers or briefs.

@TempGod Straws, napkins & ketchup packets r free but take just what u need. OK to snatch a few Splenda to stash in purse for emergencies tho.

@TempGod Asian people bored by jokes re: eating dogs. Also, do not ask people named Lee or Nguyen if related to ur friend w same name.

@TempGod Tho people named Patel likely to own motels & Cambodians run donut shops.

@TempGod “Ur welcome” is correct response to “Thank you.” “No problem” implies I should think it might have been.

@TempGod Do not call ur mother “dude.”

@TempGod Trader's Joe's Hyperion has large parking annex ½ block away. Use instead of tying up traffic 4ever.

@TempGod Dirty pool to record hearing aid commercials at lower volume.

@TempGod If ur dog calls you Mommy do not refer to ur human child as his brother.

@TempGod Nauseous is what makes u barf. When tummy upset u r nauseated. Good food healthful not healthy.

@TempGod I am all that is good about u. 4Realz. TTYL

2 comments:

FionnchĂș said...

Total agreement, for once. I even laughed if silently. Impressed by your command of textspeak/ hipster slang. Silverlake cred? xxx me

P.S. Don't ask people named Murphy if they are related to any others of the same name. As said inquiree may be: 1) adopted 2) resenting being stuck w/ crappy common surname not to mention crappy {once-}common first name 3) married to such 4) descended from such.

My own Damn Blog said...

OK I spit coffee all over my screen. I'd like to add one: @TempGod: Why call my name only when you are in a disastrous/scary/painful/shitty situation? It would be cool once in awhile if you called when you were chill just to chat calmly.