Thursday, November 15, 2007


Mimi Pond has a terrific animation called “The Training Wheels of Love” at I noticed too a painting by husband Wayne White above William Saffire’s column in the NY Times magazine two weeks ago.

The brattiest girl at Bootcamp, Mary Beth Sorensen asks that we all take a moment to help our local h.s.:
Please help our high school, John Marshall, win $25,000 for aclassroom makeover. It's easy! Just visit the website, www.expomarkers.comand vote for Ms. Lee (classroom #2). Forward this to everyone you know andwe can win a new class for our kids with enough votes!

We have again foisted our progeny on Uncle Richard and the Smith family and tomorrow morning Himself and I will head north to meet his birth mother. She has evolved from feeling furious and violated and ruined several months ago, when contact was first established, to enthusiastically albeit nervously, arranging a meeting, which will take place this Saturday morning.

My feelings about this are strong. I am aware how momentous this is for my beloved and I will wear the dress he likes when we meet her and try not to be shrill in that way he hates or show off or embarrass him. My heart is filled with love for him no matter what, and this will only grow as the events of the pending weekend unfold. I asked himself why he loved me recently and there was a pause. “Because I’m there?” I asked. “No,” he responded, “because you’re here.”

Yet, I am really fucking tired of strong feelings. I pray the trip to San Francisco will be a beautiful experience for Himself but today, I am feeling a bit beaten down. In the last year I sold my mother’s house, my father’s beautiful creation only to see it destroyed and covered with cement and stucco by the family who promised to restore and cherish it. They are trying now (unsuccessfully, apparently) to flip it.

It was a year ago this week that I took the last quarter of a Norco pill, after having taken 30-40 of these opiates daily for about 5 years, subsequent to a number of surgeries. I am in the middle of remodel that has not gone well. Even though new thoughts have been thought, the initial brutal rejection of Himself by his birth mother broke my heart, and because I had initially made the contact with a cousin, I felt culpable too. And my father died.

My regular weekly therapy with Leslie has been discontinued. I am not cured but apparently have achieved a satisfactory level of self awareness, for at least the time being. What I am aware of now is fatigue and the appropriateness of it. I look forward to driving up 5 tomorrow, the two of us, listening to Mogwai, our favorite traveling music and stopping for a burrito at Tita’s in Buttonwillow. After that, I do not know, but I am here.

1 comment:

Cari said...

Dear Layne and John,

I don't know if you'll get a chance to read this before the "meeting", but as an adoptee who was blessed with finding and now cherishes my birth family, my only wish is for everything to go well during your first encounter, and that you will have the opportunity to add many new members to your family. Please remember though, that no matter what may transpire, your current clan loves you both unconditionally.
I am here if you need support and will be sending the loving White Light to bless you have no idea how powerful that can be.
Good luck and much love,